I have never been scared of having feelings for anyone. I have always liked the way it made me feel, all the thrills and excitement that goes along with it. The part that terrified me was how I felt when that person knew the truth. Sure, I drop hints. That never worried me. But actually admitting to them what I felt, paralyzed me. It is so much easier to go through life with your feelings organized into one neat little box, that stayed locked away from everyone else. That's the reason I am terrified to tell you the truth. The truth is that you are a firecracker. Intriguing, loud, and always draws attention. But to me, you are more than that. You are the reason I smile, for absolutely no reason. You are beyond breathtaking, and I mean that even in the morning before you wake up. You are the only person that has allowed me to be myself, and understands even when you truly have no idea what's going on in my head. But when my mind starts sorting through a thousand things and I just go insane, you somehow make me feel like I am still normal. I am so scared to tell you the truth because I am so scared to feel it. This is new to me. It scares me that I can look at you in the middle of a regular conversation and just think, "goddamn she is the most breathtaking thing I have ever seen." It scares me how bad I want you. Saying it to you makes it real, and I am ready for that no matter where it takes me.
Feeling your eyes upon me I look back at you, I turn away as we both submerge in each other's black waters. I fall in love once more. I wonder what you think. You love another. I know. I saw the look you gave her. I saw the look you gave her back then, back there in the church, in the sitting room, at the stage. I wanted to think that song was meant for me, but I knew better. And I was right. And then you both were as one while I was just one. But now that she's not here I sit here swimming deeper in the black waters of your eyes. For a fraction of second when you look back. Back at me.
It all started as a mistake, really. All of it. A casual mistake, involving strange people along the freeway. The prairie winds blew. The road signs twinkled and there was that exit that they should have taken. So now they are lost in a land of personalized license plates and amusement parks. The sun beats down on them and they try to shift into a higher gear. Their baggage is well secured, though, so there’s that. One must always have secure baggage in this amusement park world. What started as a wedding wish ended as a facial twitch. But I’ll tell you all about that if we get more time. Right now I am too busy being a good passenger; One arms length away from the steering wheel, one dream away from reality, one car door away from death and rapid pavement.
Writing about my relapse from Jordan's perspective - for class. Wondering what went through her mind - at 10 - when I started drinking again. Didn't say much to her or her to me. Remmber tucking her in one night and asking her not to give up on me soon after detox. She just layed there and said, "OK." Did she think I didn't love her? Became closer with Shari. Remember her walking by when I'd be out on the porch with my drinking and in an exaggerated manner look up and away with a "hmmpphh
She made no sense at all. She was broken. _____ could see that her mother was no longer in tune with her emotins anymore. The way she treated her was if she no longer existed- just like she was when she was a kid. Always pushed to the side. Stuck in the middle. Pushed around like no one cared. Why did she care now that _____wanted to do somehting for herself? What was wrong with ___? She wanted to marry him and he wanted to marry her. Why is it so hard to explain to her that htis is what she wanted? She is never good enough and she can neve bring her mother happiness. _______ was just another let down in her Mother's life. Never good enough. Too much of a slut. Too rebellious. And certainly brought shame upon the Traditonal indian family that her mother claimed to represent. What an oximoron_____ thought to herself. I am being belittled and criticized for something that my mother did exactly when she was my age. Seh never bowed down to culutre or oppression by males in her family. She followed her own hert and so wwill _______. Who cares if no ones loves ________. ______ will love him and she will do all it takes......