"People are fake."
I stared at the words. My head was spinning and all I wanted to do was die. Why did't I fit in? I hate myself. I hated everyone around me and yes I was an outcast. It never really mattered to me until now. I used to see him walk pass me everyday and I thought, I wished to be the girl he would fall in love with. But on second thought no, I didn't wish to be that girl. "The worst crime is faking it." This was said by Kurt Cobain and I totally agree with it. I laughed at myself, a painful sarcastic laugh. As if I could even pretend to be that girl. I kept my diary aside and took the blade to my wrist again. I smiled. It bleeds but the pain never ends. It will never end.
Isn't it crazy how we train our minds to remember only what we allow? For the past four years, I have trained myself to become a different person. In no way is this a bad thing; it's just that it hurts a thousand times worse when the past finds a way to catch up with you and forces you to remember what you so neatly tucked away in the back of your mind. For me, it was something as simple as a tv show. As soon as that horrible scene flashed across my laptop screen, my head became flooded with memories. I suddenly remembered the struggling and the screaming and the guilt I felt for months after. I remember being scared to even walk outside of my house in fear that you would be right next door. I remember the months of panic attacks when someone would touch me from behind or even touch me without my consent. I became my own worst enemy. I was scared of everyone; I was trying to protect myself even from the people who didn't even want to harm me. I remember the scars that came along as a result of the pain that I felt in that moment. That moment seemed to last for too many months to count. That moment broke me until I rebuilt myself years later.
'Seeing' pink flowers in my mind. Soft, sweet, pastel pink flowers. Never really seen them before.
What are they called?
Never actually seen poppies before.
Guess I'll like them when I really see them.
Beginning to enjoy writing now. Hope I can keep up this new activity.
11:49 pm. Can't sleep. Perhaps its because i had quite a long nap in the late afternoon. Good thing it feels good to stay up now. Feel like doing some reading or writing.
420 fables....very inspiring ! Forgot about this website for sometime. Good i found it again. Feeling very compelled to write.
Freewriting... Here i come!