So it is true what they say. We have to love ourselves in order to love other people. I mean. It was so clear today, perhaps clearer than ever. I must be me. No shame. Guilt where appropriate. But never ever any shame. Just vulnerability. I must be me, I have no other choice. And it is a lot about what we should NOT do. What we should not do is impression management. This is what keeps us from owning our story, from becoming ourselves. What we should do is follow our heart. Follow our genuine curiosities. Maybe thats what they mean. What are you truly curious about? Thats the way forward. If it its girls or drugs or architecture or business or politics or landscapes, the environments, the sea.... it doesn't matter. that is our vision that we were given, we have to follow it. and about that. here is the main important thought, why oh why did it elude me. we follow our curiosities, we get taken places. we try and control the shit out of everything? we fuck shit up. we get vulnerable to shame, not love. we need to open our hearts and how can we like that? We want to move to london cause we love the language? we should. the order ill reveal itself. Jobs: " the dots will connect". we want to move to london to impress other people? we shouldn't. it will make us empty. sometimes though to impress other people is our curiosity and the narcissist makes our heart beat faster. so we should follow. and trust that it works out. take the plunge, go ALL IN. both feet. jump into the cold water. embrace the experience. and like that we will learn, perhaps the hard way but sometimes thats the only way.
I met a lady last night that told me stories of how her fourteen year old granddaughter thought she was "in love." As I began to giggle at the silly little things she would say about this situation, I began to see myself in them as well. When she stopped talking, I told her how I used to think I was in love back at that age too. I recalled the moments, even in middle school, when I believed I was in true love. Then the moments in high school when I was convinced that i was going to move five hours away from my family to be with the man of my dreams. I remembered all the silly little promises I made back then, all the whispered "I love you's" at the end of late night phone conversations. I remembered all the highs of being "in love" so young. And then I finally remembered all the heartbreak that followed. I remembered realizing for the first time that I didn't want to uproot my whole life for this man so far away. I remember the moment that I finally understood that true love wasn't supposed to hurt that bad and true love wasn't supposed to break me. I remembered that morning in church that I could barely even breathe. I remembered it all. And last night, I prayed to God that this lady's granddaughter didn't have to go through nearly as much heartbreak as I did. I prayed that when true love comes, she would recognize it. And when love shows up, it would be exactly how she has always imagined it.
i remember sitting in the car on my way home when i was a kid and watching the night cloak the town. The moon appeared vivid and whole, and i couldn't help but wonder why he appeared brightest at the worlds darkest hour. Toying with the thought, i noticed the moon was following me home and i wondered that perhaps he only came up at night to keep the stars from feeling lonely because on that night when my soul was lost and alone in the darkness, the moon kept me company and guided me back home.
walking down the same road ive walked so many times before, i stand on the same corner of the same riverbank and i light a cigarette with the same old lighter, i can feel the warmth inside me but im still shivering from the sharp winds which whip at my cheeks, over the river there is a man with a similar appearance to my own but far older and covered in tattoos, he throws his old lighter in the water and i watch him pull out a gun from inside his jacket my eyes are fixated on the man and i cannot move for shock has paralysed me, his expression does not change as he lifts the gun to his temple, he looks at peace when he finally pulls the trigger and silence descends
i can feel your lungs rise and fall, i can feel your heart pump the blood to your veins, i can hear you sigh and squeal, i can feel you twitch in your sleep as you dream of curiosities i will never truly know. i can feel your leg stretch out knocking into mine as your your eyelids unveil my eyes, our eyes. i smile down at you, love pouring from my every particle, you yawn and squirm wriggling into my arms, i kiss your smooth forehead and listen to you giggle, i hold you tightly and my heart breaks a little knowing i will have to let you go at some point. but in this moment nothing else exists, just you me and your dad on our broken mattress in our corner of the world