Isn't it crazy how we look back on the big things in life, and then we realize they never really mattered? The heartbreaks, the fights, losses, the "tragedies." They're all so microscopic in the overview of things. We get so caught up in the big, dramatic situations that we never pay attention to the beautifully simple details of it all. In the end, the big things won't matter. It's what you carry away with you and what you found beauty in when everything ceased to shine. It's all in the details. That's who we are. Not the arguments, lies, hurts. Any of that. We are the details. So let's write the book.
The longer we drove the more we became lost. The trees grew thicker and the road became thinner. We had driven too far this time and we had taken way too many detours. Even if we decided to turn around and head home, we would've still been lost. We had no idea where we were going. The plan was to take the truck out for a simple spin but we didn't expect the countryside to be this big. I told my friend who was driving to ask for directions but he refused. I looked at the signs on the road and told him he was going the wrong way, but he didn't listen. There was no way we were gonna be able to find our way back now that it had gotten completely dark. So we just slept in the truck until the next day I found myself on a hospital bed, severely injured. Luckily, my friend was ok and he seemed really excited to see me for some reason. He said he was so happy they found me alive after all this time. I looked at him confused and asked him what happened to us after we got lost. He then looked at me confused. "Us? You mean to tell me, the day before you suddenly disappeared you were with someone else?" I told him he and I were taking the truck for a spin and we got lost, but he said he couldn't recall that ever happening.
You wrote a song once, about sitting in parking lots. About being young, drunk, and alone. About friendship and sadness. About the youth that we all have to leave behind. We talked about it one night, and you came to see that that song meant a little more to me that you'd first expected. I'm not sure if you were surprised because you can't fathom me feeling that way, or because you simply thought you were the only one. My life has changed, and the wild winds of my youth have blown me in all directions. I'm not a kid in a parking lot today, but sometimes I wish I still was. There's a certain kind of simplicity in the silence, a certain kind of understanding that comes from that kind of sadness. I told you I'd never want to go back to those days, but I think I was wrong. I sit alone still, older, in my own space, drinking tea, and stress is still tugging on my face. And in these quiet moments, I wish I could go back to those moments, if only to see if I could meet you there.
I don't need you to fix me, and I know that you don't want me to try to fix you. You get scared when I forgive you for things that you can't forget. And I do the same when you say things that remind me how much more you understand than most people. We could talk all day about how we're just too gnarly on the inside for the world. We understand each other because we both feel the same nagging sensation that we don't deserve the love we receive. We love each other anyway. We comfort each other because we both feel too complicated to be understood. So we're spontaneous and complicated together. We talk about it rather than pretending it's not there. I don't think I could ask for more. We're just holding hands while we fix ourselves.
Being with you feels right. When you're helping me cook dinner. When you come up with soundtracks for the time we spend together. When we sit on back patios with your family and our friends, sipping IPAs late at night. And even though you've told me that you don't want me to expect anything from you because you don't feel like you have enough to give, you give everything you have without even thinking about it. I'm okay with being alone, I can be okay by myself, I promise. But that doesn't mean that waking up next to you doesn't feel better than waking up alone. I drove home this morning and I'm already counting the days to next weekend. And even though my life goes on even when we're not together, I still look forward to the days we do spend together.