I...always admire her.
It was just a pure admiration. The feeling of amazement when see her actions, the feeling of wanting to get closer to her...
I don't even know...now, these feelings of mine became love. Although myself unsure about this 'love' in romance or pure admiration, like I always have for her.
At first, it was a platonic love. As I don't think I really love her that way.
But, the feeling of wanting to touch her...to make her mine...came to me, and I realized. This feeling is indeed love.
But...I'm scared that this will ruin our friendship since childhood. I don't think she sees me that way.
But...unable to hold myself, I cross that forbidden line. Embracing her even though she can never be mine. I'm happy, even though I know...this is an illusion. A pseudo happiness. An illusion where happiness for me is there with her.
what is happening to me? i cant feel my legs i cant feel my face. am i dead? or am i just stuck in a dreamless sleep? i look at my right and there in the darkness i spot that shining core. its not any brighter than the usual darkness but i know its there. a light feeling against my right side. i touch it. the world burst into colors and sounds. not the birds and the warm sun but the ticking. tickingtickingticking. i still cant see beyond the general colorful blurriness around me. im still used to the darkness of the void. i still do not know what that was. perhaps this is the after life? i do feel my arms and legs now so i guess i still have a corporeal form. good. i like my dick. what happens now though? do i just wait until i get a hold of my senses? i guess that would work. but i have this feeling in my chest and i readily recognise it for what it is: curiosity. i guess some things never change huh
I’ve been too human for my own good.
With a tendency to squander and destroy.
I was going “that way,” Now it’s “this way or die.”
Oh, this thing in my eye? That’s a railroad tie.
I’ve been trying to get it out.
(I haven’t slept well in months).
It doesn’t matter where the elevator takes us.
It doesn’t matter if the election is rigged.
(Money is only valuable because of guns.
Weapons sustain the value of money.
Export - Import Extrovert - Introvert
It’s not an astrological situation of any kind.
It’s organized violence - the threat of pain.
“What is this worth! Maggot!”
“I don’t know! I don’t know! Please!”
“We didn’t hear you! What is this worth!”
“A dollar! Oh God, a dollar! Please, that is worth a dollar!”)
It was the tail end of a global recession and I was overeating. It was at the bottom of hitting bottom and I was having trouble sleeping. The weather sucked worse that TV sitcoms and I was sick of the gray and the rain. I see people crossing paths and I question their love for each other. I see couples dwelling in their houses and I wonder how their love dynamics work. It was the beginning of the recovery and I was increasing my water intake. I was crossing things off of my to-do list and thinking about my future. It was the start of something special and strangers were walking around me unbuttoning their coats. There was a star ascending the stairs, and I was there staring at the stars.
I come into the room and start undressing, searching for things in my closet.
'How was your day?' her voice echoes the room.
'You're not really there, you're just a piece of my imagination.'
'And if i am just a piece of your thought, it is still Your thought. You thought of me. And want me. Come lay with me, like in the days you had me over for coffee. Those chilly days when you called me and said i should come over. And i came every time, and you brewed me coffee. And we sat and sat and told each other whatever crossed our minds.'
'Those nice old days.'
'Those days when your worries didn't pile up and touch the sky. Those days when you carried me in your thought and i carried you in mine. Those days when we used to lay in your bed for hours and hours, just staring at the ceiling and thinking of things. Why don't you call me over anymore?'
'Because i missed it. I missed my chance. I had it and i lost it. I'll never be yours now. Come. Lay with me. Like in the good days.'
'Like when i had you over for coffee'.