I hate you. And I hate you even more for making me feel like I should be ashamed of it. Because you deserve it. All this fucked up shit started with you. You're the one that made me this way. I'm so fucking angry and selfish because you made me feel like I deserved nothing. And I still feel that way inside. I still feel like I'm not worth anything. I'm afraid to try and make anything of myself because if I fail it'll prove you right. And I can't love anyone, not properly. I hate you for that the most of all.
And what is it about walking.
That to make it feel effortless your shoes must be good. But what about making an effort and taking note. Today I have worked on the outsides of the soles of my feet to avoid the new piece of rubber on my shoes that needs wearing in. It's sore you see. That part is sore. And so feet isn't all it's about. I've been walking with a heavy bag. Clearly I have been ill equipped to take walking to a level of pleasure today. It's been physical and tiresome. The walking is a drag. The main drag. That's what we need to think about here. Routes and pathways and threads and unexplored squeeze through avenues.
The layers of time - how to write that so it sounds good? So it's as impressive as when I saw those illustrated layers. How it just stopped me in my tracks. A kind of peeling, yes, but that's also lazy. It was more gutsy than all the language that has hit this paragraph so far. It was a set, in a way, that kind of magnetic style one with moving people and parts that I had as a kid. And it helps that you have set the scene in the first instance, because the location remains and is constant. It's just that where the fireplace is in 1985 is where the wild boar stood in the forest in 1312. That kind of focus to be able to see that snap in front of you without tiring words. But the location will be there in front of you so let;s not try too hard. The words are kind of pointless. Just a hint, a prod, to get you there.
You would have been noticing something because you're that kind of person. I've been struggling but when I think that you have it covered, I'm more relaxed. I wish that grammar was something that happened in my school, then I'd know about this. How to write it in the way that I want it to sound. And maybe I'm even making up tenses because that's what it feels like. The thing that happened but maybe is still happening? About you.
You have been giving me some strange looks and I don't blame your cringing. It's ok. I don't care. I just want to get underneath this way of communicating to you. So that you feel I'm really there in your ears. In. Not around and with a sound that almost comes on top of you. I think I'd like to hit your ear drums with this. Past present. past continuous. Is the problem in fact from the content of this? Constant shifting between the then, the now, potential that we imagine we all have and want to achieve through places like this
This landscape we see, it's a constant change, and that's how we like it. Or are we afraid of transitional moments because perhaps we no longer know how we fit eihtin places or moments like this. It's not about th view anymore, it's a feeling. Architecture and construction. Some kind of idea and then process. It's always something to be able to add that people layer on top. What is a place without it's people, the ones that you read facts about, hear snippets of, imagine in the future. This city is moving. Are you moving with it? Do you keep walking and feel any sense of placement. Where do we go with this line of open questioning - a kind of speaking aloud. This Bow Creek, Windy Corner, Trinity Buoy Wharf, Blackwall Depot...City Island? Orchard Apartments? Our possibility is developing all the time. We see our own chanage