What Comes out of My Head may surprise me.
Like crying during church. During an Advent service no less. I should be celebrating the Joy and all. For Unto You a Child has been given.
I'm so thankful. But Yet left so empty. Why don't I feel the Joy.
I believe in Kingdom come, and blood on the walls. But yet, still haven't found what I'm looking for. The U2 song comes to mind.
How many other people in this very church feel the same way? Surely not everybody is contented and happy and just overjoyed as they should be.
Surely I'm not the only lost one that has been found but yet still feels lost. Or somehow empty.
I don't want to make a scene. Or a big deal. Or Raise a raucous. Or make waves or ripples. I just want to find what i'm looking for.
Fulfillment. Peace, Contentment.
Christmas Joy. The true meaning of Christmas.
Not buying crap. But meaningless giving doesn't somehow do it for me either.
If only i knew exactly what it was. If only i could share how i'm feeling, i feel like that would be better.
And for Pete's sake, bring a tissue or a Kleenex or something with you, if you're going to be blubbering all over the benches, so you don't have to wipe your snot and tears and runny nose on your Sunday pants. Jeez, man.
I like holiday music because its festive. and I like Christmas and it makes me to appreciate the season better because the music makes me slow down for a song and consider all the feels for it. and the music of jazz usually just naturally gets me into the rhythm and bebopping but also to make my fingers and my brain to consider the line of time or the space time continuem because the beats and the recurring synthetic notes of the off beat drum make me think of seconds just ticking away happily . beep boop here goes time down the road making you older but now your young so just be happy. and then the soulful saxophone plays if your lucky. I'm trying not to be too worried though, but i do needc to worry about a christmas present i don't like shopping and i especially don't lke it when the deadline is rapidly approaching i'm kind of worried about getting a gift for that guy and i don't know what to get him i dont want to disapoint. and it apperas my original plan isn't working too great. i can type a lot in a short while. only one more red convertible to go. why is there somehting about speed that make us blabla bla hot chocolate and tea with apple cider and some cookies and chocolate covered almonds covered also by crushed cocuntouts. coconuts. that the end folks.