i sat next to the transsexual person in the bus. the transit t.v. showed a picture of stephen baldwin and laid out a story i guess. couldn't really hear it because my seat mate started laughing and shouting, "shut up". and between each manic chuckle she-he said, "merry xmas" then "happy new year." it then became a consistent rhythm of "merry xmas" (chuckle), "happy new year" (chuckle), "shut up" (chuckle). i began to wonder if this were her way of making me want to move. i took it as a dare and decided to see how much discomfort i could endure. took about 5 minutes and i moved. then she stopped for the remainder of the trip. crazies can be so obnoxious.
armed only with positive thinking one tries to tame the storm inside his head. he feels like a better man for it. a stronger man. walking past all the people on the street exuding an aura of calamity. he imagines the passerbys who look upon his scowl are thinking, "now there is a man just barely holding on to his sanity". its true. here is a man whose occupation is to be a tolerant voice for the complaints of hundreds of babies. a man who would only be amused by a man with a shiny knife who wants his wallet. woe to the person who actually does threaten the life of this man. your'e looking at a man so desperate for answers that he says, "whatcha got?" take warning prospective attackers this one is thinking, "oh, you would like to kill me? how bout' this? i want you to try and kill me. i think it's sexy."
if you got me a coupla years ago, i was thinkin' some bullshit. i was paranoid in the clinical sense of the word . i was trying to guard my heart from trickery and it worked. it kept all untrustworthy people out of my life. one problem. it worked TOO good. it also kept all the people out of my life whose only ulterior motive was to be my friend. i live with that and thankfully it's not too late. i can still have friends. that is the good thing about living with 6 billion people. at least a couple of them will be okay. but the point is...i have finally figured out who is sincere and who is not.
ever notice how people throw hitler's name around a lot unnecessarily? their like, "hey man, can i have a piece of gum?" and your'e like, "sorry man, this is my last piece." and they respond, "yeah, whatever, 'HITLER'!" i'm sorry, is that something the history books failed to mention? was that another thing he did before he put innocent people in the gas chamber? he's like, "now, you are going to die of convulsions and drooling brought on by the affects of poisonous vapors, and also...you can't have any gum." and they're like, "NO!!!" maybe that would have been a little cruel for the history books to mention.
maybe at work there is a new manager. so you ask a co-worker, "hey, have you heard anything about the new manager?" and their all snotty about it like, "oh, you mean 'HITLER'?" so you're like, "that's not fair. i'm sure the manager hasn't started world war 2, i'm sure she didn't kill thousands of jews and gypsies and homosexuals. you should have just said, 'hey, she's a stickler.' you didn't have to put her in the same boat as the furer." then later you get embarrassed because you find out that the manager's actual name is 'hitler'.
at any rate, i know everyone must have a view about this issue. my stance is that once you throw that name out your credibility crumbles. we should replace 'HITLER' with something more appropriate for bosses, and stingys and rude people and self-righteous snobs and politicians, etc. just call them what i call them: "assholes".
i have nothing worthwhile to say that is why you say, "what?" a lot when i speak. it's not that you can't hear me its that you hope i don't talk. which makes me realize that wanting to have a conversation with you might be asking you a lot. i'll try to wait for the commercials when you are watching the ufc match, please love me. i want to be with you because i have no desire to hold on to my self-respect. use me, hurt me, as long as you love me. i love to feel less of myself. i love to be your bitch. i will laugh at all your jokes no matter how much they insult my intelligence. "intelligence" who am i kidding? that is another reason i love you it's because you remind me i am not intelligent. isn't that what love is? putting up with people's quirks. i'm sorry you have to put up with everything i do and everything i say, but i'll make it up to you. wanna have sex?
never shout back at someone who yells "fuck you!" to pedestrians while speeding by in thier sport cars. the culprit who does this is typically the passenger who likes to be rude to peasants. i never understood why people feel the need to do this. here's a theory. the guys who do this are gang recruits who as part of their initiation have to murder someone. since kids this young probably never killed they attempt to make it easier for themselves by creating a conflict with another individual. thus, they yell "fuck you!" being hopeful that someone answers the invitation for thier dead man's party. whoever answers back THAT'S the one they stab. which is why it is never a good idea to shout back to a passing car, "say it to my face bitch!"
just got off the phone with my mom. today is thanksgiving, a holiday of family obligations. somehow i escaped. usually, on this throw-away holiday, everyone must be there, eating turkey, talking about how good the turkey is, and then going back for seconds. weeee! the vapid conversation is based on the rule that nothing personal is permitted to come out of your mouth. no politics, and except for prayer, no religion. you can't say "fuck" if you are a person who uses that word a lot and you can't say "hail satan" after grandpa finishes the prayer. nothing can be said which would make anybody uncomfortable. so...you pretend you like turkey a great deal. "wow, are you sure this is white meat, because this bird is juicy!" then 20 minutes later people either fall asleep or leave. Why? because they ran out things to talk about.
the neighbors down stairs think i'm too noisy. i have two roomates. i think they are too noisy. the sounds i hear cause me to have a 24 hour retreat inside my room. i feel like i'm sitting in an invisible case. i can't walk because the downstairs neigbor will bang a rubber hammer against his wall so that i will be quiet. i can't even talk to one of my roomates in particular cuz i'm always stoned when i'm not working and this offends him. i cant move. i can't speak. i am not free. i am in a prison and the bars are made out of social constraints. it's a bit torturous, but mostly just irritating beyond belief. i need to get out. i need to get out. i need a place of my own with concrete floors and where i can escape from all the tools who try to pass as human beings.