I think I am bored and I hate myself for it. Exams are over, and I am perfectly entitled to a day of being totally bored because for the past weeks I wanted to be bored and doing things were boring yet the deadlines and the pressure looming over my shoulder cold stop me from being bored and now that the pressure has passed I feel bored and it's a horrible feeling. Not because I hate the feeling of being bored itself. No it's actually a marvelous feeling because it means you have the leisure of heart to be bored to feel empty and let the world amuse you for once instead of the other way around but there are so many things to do, if you think about it, so many places to place your energy and be unbored, be positively thrilled yet here I am being bored sitting in front of my computer typing away the contents of my boredom on Facebook Meaningless. There's some place I would not be bored but frankly speaking I am scared to go there because to go there would mean to lay down my boredom , this comfortable feeling that fits me just right like a blanket, and immerse myself into a hole that I probably won't be able to come out of again. Addictions are crazy scary things and they can destroy you and that is why I would not like to follow the rabbit down the hole, thank you Alice. But boredom is a bit suffocating, but no, maybe I will go.
ACT normal act normal act normal pretend you're cool and stop taking whatever bait that dude offers you act normal pretend your hands are not sweating even though you've always had very very dry hands act normal put up a mask don't let the blush seep into your pale white plastic act normal act perfectly normal act like you don't see him as anything act as if you see the him as an invisible thing not a human but don't let it slip in this facade act normal act normal heart stop going into double time act normal act normal stop breathing too fast you aren't running a marathon you're in front of a perfectly normal human being and you yourself are a perfectly normal human being as well act normal act normal people can use the abnormality against you because even if you believe in the inner goodness of people people are in the end all sadists just like that dude so breathe normal pretend you are nothing weird pretend there's nothing in your brain of him even though every lobe every nerve just screams his name act normal and breathe and act normal and always remember to act normal this is a battleground and your hands will let the sword slip if you don't control your shaky knees so act normal he's not someone you love right now he's the enemy and a mask is everything.
It's so difficult to think and act like you know something what I mean is it's difficult to be totally sure of something it could be a fact or maybe just an opinion but an opinion even if it's just a personal opinion you need to have some consistency in your thoughts you can't go around thinking this and preaching that or vice versa that's too much of a hypocrite and if you think too many opposing things where are you? Identity comes from being sure of something and currently the only thing I am sure of is that I am so utterly unsure of everything. What should I do? What is it that I'n absolutely sure of? The only things clear to me are the really obvious biological needs, but my faiths and my opinions are so indecisive I feel I am being swept away by the current of the majority or by the people around me or not even being swept away at all but being abandoned, taking things for granted, feeling dead. Because what is feeling dead, except being unable to think and act for yourself? But there's no time, no time at all, to sit down and analyze all the facts to make a really sure judgment and all these uncertainties keep piling one on top of the other and that just comes back in a vicious cycle to steal away my identity. I feel like I am not myself. I thought identity was a fairly easy thing to think about, you're yourself, what else? But not so. You can be someone else, or you can be no one.
Feeling trapped is such a subjective thing then again the word feel entails subjectivity have you ever been perfectly objective and said the word" feel" in the sentence before? I think not. Well you can feel trapped in the largest desert because obviously you have no water but you can feel the same in a very confined space like a locker or your classroom and even when the space itself is perfectly comfortable the people populating the space make all the difference sometimes it doesn't even matter if that person's a nice person or not they're just there and herein lies the problem feeling trapped with the presence of another with you which sucks I want to get out of here sometimes because I'm tired of wearing a mask even though I don't want to whatever I feel for another person I cannot show everything, even if I want to my body seems to have an automatic mechanism that forces a mask onto my face whenever there's someone around and the mask makes sweat accumulate on my face and I just cant breathe because the heavy plastic smile is guarding my breath and it's horrible and that's why other people make you trapped and even when you are alone there's the constant fear of someone barging in and seeing you without your mask am I afraid of what's under my mask or is it automatic.