Is it possible to become numb? Numb to the point where very little effects you? I feel i am numb; numb towards fake people, to those who are un-genuine. How long until enough really is enough? I enjoy the numbness it allows me to look through the eye of a realist. It's my super power; the power to see people for who they really are, but how can it be that this super power can wrought just as much pain as it does pleasure? I find myself analyzing more and more, im a ghost if you will. Able to talk, but very few times am i really heard, giving me a cloak. The ability to listen well, to see what's beyond just a conversation. To hear what someone's true intent is. Like a ghost i see right through people
Building greater boundary's, Casted in steel and gold straight from heartache foundry. Im a loner, guess you can say love hasn't found me. Programmed like the computer you used. call it mind rape, straight abused. Get inside your head dont think for yourself. Putting happiness first instead of my health. just a lyrical start, what is my first and only art. Something that makes sense and comes straight from the heart. inadequacies dont show, just put my words down on paper and hope it flows.
While i know people that are both pessimists and optimists (i like both, for reference), i am so fucking tired of both sides trying to idealize everything. There are people in the black, people in the white, and somewhere along the line people in the gray matter. You have people who are pessimistic and only see the negative. Then you have optimists who only see the positive. Its not that simple. People see the surface, but refuse to do any digging, god forbid you get any dirt under your nails. I just wonder if it was lost somewhere along the way, or if we ever had it to begin with. The ability to think critically. This is the reason why i hate idealism with a passion. You cannot criticize or analyze any idea with out being crucified by either side. Neither side finds any attraction of the idea of give and take. Selfish at its core. These two can only only see the differences in each other. If only they could realize they have more in common than they do in difference.
Im graduating high school here in 1 week, and im pondering; what have i really been taught? Am i simply another one of the hundred dogs that has learned to sit and lay down? It's ludicrous to think that ive learned much at all, and furthermore been taught at all. I feel as if it was almost all a waste, i look back and i see an absolute waste of time. Wake up go to school, read a packet, take a quiz on the packet, be tested over the subject. I feel as if that could sum up 90% of my highschool career. It makes me furious! I think that students would enjoy learning somewhat if the teachers made it more about the knowledge, and not the fucking letter grades. Fuck your GPA! All it means is that you know how to submit to every whim that your teacher has. My emotions are rampant, I have no clue what to do. It is a must in modern society to have a college degree,in order to have financial stability. I am in the metaphorical rock and a hard place. Fuck. My. Life.
I have came to the conclusion that there is only what we perceive, think about it. There are people that are very close to me that go through times that i could never imagine. Something that is an un-fathomable event to me is someone else's life. I look at these people and even in the situation that they are in; they are so content with being where they are, happy with what they have, and grateful that they have it. Being broke and not knowing where they're going to find money for rent and still completely happy. Not knowing where the next meal will come, and still able to see the best in their situation. I then see people that go through, in comparison, so little to what others go through, and are thoroughly depressed. While i am not saying you do not have a right to your depression, i believe that your perception has gotten you there. I was depressed for 3 years. Just now coming out of the deep hole which seems never-ending, and realizing that my perception put me there, change your perception, and i promise you that your whole world will change; as did mine.
It just occurred to me why i enjoy writing so much. The fact that its a timeless art, the fact that even though i know people will read this, it seems exclusive to only myself. People have this huge barrier, as do i, but when i write its as if there is none. The pen and the pad create things so perfect that it amazes me. Its my best friend literally and metaphorically, the paper passes no judgement, it has no qualms with who i am or who i am not. It just listens. A entity that knows exactly who i am to a "T" It is the most beautiful thing in my eyes, it has something no human could ever offer me; complete empathy. It understands me better than myself. Or should i say, it helps me better understand myself. I've looked for this notion that some person will have a similar experience to mine, or what i would like to call complete empathy to my situation, which in some aspects, some people do. However they do not cover the whole basis, which is what i feel that i need. the world is perceived in my own eyes, and can only be felt by me. The pen and pad give me that precise thing that i wish for. It covers a spot that no human could EVER take. It just is, and that is why i love it so.
If everyone wasn't so fake i think that it would just be pleasant. I have these "friends" who really aren't friends in any sense of the word. I feel as if they only drag me down to put themselves up onto a peta-stool. i stay with them because they're security in the most condescending way, and most twisted sense. They have never been home base, never been there for me, how can they be secure at all? But i hold onto them as if they were the last thing that i had to remember. I realize this and it comes to me so vividly. They use me as a stepping stone. as if to trample on me to reach their own goals. While i have the grades, they have the friends, which in the end is all that matters isn't it? In reality people do not gain a job from intelligence, but from the people enjoying their presence.I feel them belittling me but i still hang to them as if they are the rock that i tie my castaway boat on.
Unless you have the intellect of the next bill gates or Steven Hawkins it really doesn't matter. People really don't give a shit if your above average. it has me sitting here, picking up pieces to an incomplete puzzle. Never will anyone have true empathy never will they truly understand. I still have faith in that true empathy and understanding even though i know that the existence is far form reality.
My minds going a mile a minute, so many thoughts, i just do not know where to place them all. I want to say them all at once to make everyone understand, in a moments notice i do just that. I spew so many ideas, that seem all so random and un-thoughtful. Little do they know that is all what is thought about. Its word vomit, all my ideas spewing out at once. randomness to everyone; perfect sense to me. It makes me seem like a person with scattered thoughts, i want everyone to understand each subject so badly i delve in each subject with little detail. I am very afraid that i'll loose the moment, but thats all there is, and for that time period its mine. The randomness that is not random at all. If only there could be more time, if only there could be someone that was actually interested enough to listen, maybe then it wouldnt appear to be so random.
I want to captivate people, make people go "wow". I want to have a life that is worthy, a life of accolades and valor. i want to be able to look back on my life and say; "i have no regrets." I want to have a life that is book worthy; when i tell my story, i want people to want to write about it. i want to find happiness in the most simplistic things. what i want is nothing short of perfection, but in a paradoxical sense i dont want perfection. i want a life that has its canyons and crevices, that has its hard times. However Through those times i want to enjoy life. there is nothing more beautiful than the realization of going through a hard time and still being able to be content with what you have.
AM i the only one? i sit in my room alone, thinking, vibrant ideas, that are moving. I then procceed to a conversation with someone and my mind goes blank. what was once a canvas painted with the most vivid colors is now blank. It makes me wonder, am i the only one. That suffers from this complex. It makes me seem like a person with no personality. Only then; when i realize that i don't have what i so badly want the ideas flow again. its like a dam, only at times does the full amount of water (knowledge/ideas) come. its frustrating and degrading, for people to have the image of a lackluster person with no thoughts.