We are different. The ground of normal that we carefully constructed in our lives is different. I am not sure if this is a bad thing or not. I find how I see us is different. I have to stand taller and alone at times that I didn't. I think sometimes we grow to rely on other people so much that we forget the tune of our own internal music. I finally can hear the notes of me outside of us without sadness. I know this occurred out of circumstance but it is our new reality. I hope and pray that I don't forget the dance of us in finding the song of me.
I am tired. It is just simply exhausting to pretend to be okay when I am anything buy okay. I am tired of holding my sorrows and pain so tight that they spill out at the worst moments. Allowing others to see what I prefer to remain hidden. I am tired of giving so much of me to others that do not understand the difficulty it entails to do so. I just wish I could tear apart the veil the lie I have created so meticulously and let you see what is the reality of my life. How the simplest of tasks are difficult and how I struggle to keep my carefully constructed world together. Some days I am tired of me.
My love you are like rain. You can follow me like mist and be the invisible barrier between me and the outside world. You can be the soft drizzle reminding me that I am not alone with the feel and taste of you. You can be the rain that falls to just wash away the dirty parts of life, or my past, or sometimes even of me. You can even be the storm that shakes my environment opening doors that I have closed and sweeping through windows that are present. Allowing me to let go, see, and feel. Destroying what I knew and creating space as to what I need to know and be. You are never the hurricane as you still treat me as a delicate tree that needs your protection if not always your shelter. Like rain you provide me with the necessary nutrients that I need to grow without demanding more than access to my canvas for you to pour upon. You satisfy my deepest thirsts and allow room for the sun to shine so that I can develop deep lasting roots to grow. I survive because of your presence and you survive because of my need.
I played the game with you and we played it well. The game of denial as to what was really happening. I lived the lie with you. Every couple fights and argues I rationalized. I played the game of the perfect family to all who passed by to see all the while underneath there was something darker and sinister occurring. They were more than simple little fights. Words became poisonous weapons that were intended to strike and hurt. We did not speak to each other lovingly but we were mean, nasty, and raw. Soon words became actions that told me our story would end in tragedy. They say that injury must be visible to call what we were abusive. That is not true. The scars that were created by mere words were more profound than the ones that marked my body that one fateful day. I played the game well with you that when the rules were misplaced and the pieces of the board were scattered everyone wondered what happened to our seemingly perfect family. I played the game so well that I was done playing and refused to play with anyone else for a long time. I no longer play games that create the illusion of what should be my life. I have since created a different game entirely named truth with a new board and different rules; I no longer will be sacrificed as a pawn to create someone's illusion. I have grown tired of worrying what my life appears like from the surface I live it honestly and completely with respect for all. I created a new world filled with real adults who have no time or inclinations towards playing childish games.
I am broken. I am made up of many tiny broken pieces that were reconstructed out of lost pieces of string and paperclips. I am a woman who was loosely put together after life threatened to destroy her. I have learned to bargain and barter with the universe and have found some remnants of glue and slowly constructed myself into something more that a fragmented person. The human spirit can with hold more that we care to give it credit. It can rise from the ashes and persevere. It can learn to grow something beautiful out of something that was so ugly and wrong. I have learned that being broken makes me beautiful. I am like stained glass quite unique and colorful made and forged by experience and healed by love. You can no longer see my broken scars but are confused by my complexity as like the stained glass I appear different depending on how you shine the light.
Time is always at a deficit. I can't seem to create enough schedules to capture the time that slips through my fingers. I would love to say that I am caught up in some great task or earth shattering thought. This is not the case. I usually go into tangents of thoughts, of ideas, and of other lists I should create. I go off into what I call detours to action to finish my list or goals; and when I realize time has slipped again I am stumped. I thought I was only missing minutes at most not hours. How do I get a hold of something as slippery as time? I can't reacquire it, bargain for more, or even pretend I didn't waste it. It is the most beautiful friend to make but the most unforgiving if I don't give it the value and respect it deserves. Again I have lost time 4:20 to be exact.
I take it as a badge of honor that I am a complete disappointment to you. I find that it has given me such a sense of complete freedom to know that I have not fit into your plans for me and my life. There is a liberation that comes with being your own person and marching to your own drum. I don't have to worry about your opinion or confine myself to what you view as socially acceptable. I know that my life choices are not so outrageous or sinister and in reality they are quite vanilla for most. I am not a mass murderer or a criminal. I find the rules you live by to be so confining and limited. I would rather be the disappointment than to have become a shadow of who I could have been just to please someone else. After all we are all given just one life and I plan to live it. So as you sit there on the phone or at your kitchen table ready to slice into the juicy gossip that is my life and life choices know that I am laughing. I honestly had no idea I was so fascinating!
We think the monsters that are out there are so easily detected. They somehow must give some sort of scent, look, or tell. The truth is the truest monsters come with no warning and they look just like you or I. They hide in plain sight. There is no way to detect their black souls until they have done something so telling we wonder why we never saw the truth of who they are before. They hide under the cloak of normal and even boring. They walk among us, act like one of us, and even portray to have our very own desires on the surface. It isn't until you peel back the skin of the carefully constructed illusion that we are made painfully aware that fundamentally we are so very different. Monsters lack compassion and empathy which makes them especially dangerous because it is greed and just plain selfishness that drives them. Why is it if we know they roam so freely among us are we truly surprised at there existence? The next time you are tempted to let your guard down to believe, trust, or love be sure you are seeing the real image because even the most beautiful creatures can be a monster in disguise.
The truth is that I see you and I am aware of your struggle to be to grow to find yourself. I acknowledge your strengths and faults. I will spend countless hours with you and in reality I don't believe you see me. You are so consumed with your own stuggles and life you forget the person who holds you in place when your world falls apart. I am sure that if we actually had a conversation you would not know much about me. You would not know the problems I face on a daily basis. The things that motivate me and that I find important in life. I have made peace with your limitations in this relationship and have been okay with them. It has not been until recently that I am aware that while I am the keeper of your secrets that you are not even aware of the person behind the texts and the calls. I can't seem to understand why it is that you can not drown out the noise in your life to realize the soft voice of sadness on the other end. I am trying to reach out to you in the most sincerest forms of friendship and the message that I recieve from you is.....silence. How did we get here? More importantly how did I not notice? When did I become this unimportant thing in your life when I have made you such a proirity? I think its time that you hear me. Do I need to shout scream or shake you? I matter! I no longer wish to be the quiet one in our dialoge. If you can't be still to listen then I am no longer available to counsel.
I remember when we first got you so small and alone. I remember that I was not going there to rescue you but another dog and somehow you captivated me and the kids and we knew you were for our family. I remember how you were so hesitant and unsure and I wondered if I had the ability to love you enough to take away the damage that someone else created. We have seen you turn into this confident dog who no longer shakes at loud noises who isn't afraid to bark to express himself. You have been my companion and my pillow. You have been my daughter's protection from the black dark of night. I know you are getting old and my heart seizes everytime I see the evidence. How will we manage with out you? How will we know what to do with ourselves? You were always quiet but so loyal that I believe we took you for granted and now that I am aware of your age and your limits I realize that you are more than just our dog or family pet. You have been woven into the fabric of who we are and how do you even begin to know when to let go and say goodbye. I am grateful that it is not so soon in the future but every once in a while when I see your loving eyes I know that one day we will have to part ways. It is then that I realize how much I love you and that you really rescued me.