Colorless faces float by me. Colorless faces are all i see. I would like to think i am beyond looks and complexions. But all i see are those empty eyes and the hollow cheeks of those who are dead. Soulless voices do i hear. Soulless cries i have surmised. Why do the dead speak to me, why do they shame me into being something i can not be. They want to live again even if it's through my suffering and pain. They want to feel again even it's my pleas of forgiveness that they hear. Why do i hold the dreams of a nation within me.
Shit happens. Well, at least that is what the sticker on the car ahead of me said. Shit Happens! And today I needed to hear (or see) that mind blowing statement. I needed to be reminded that life isn't always happy-go-lucky, that life isn't always peaches and cream, that things don't always go they way you want them to go. I needed to free myself from the expectations of others and live my life to the fullest. No matter what happens because shit happens. You fall in love with a bastard, you learn from your mistakes, you get a speeding ticket, you cuss out a little old lady. Shit happens. You find out that your ex-girlfriend has moved on and is pregnant. You look down and realize that you've bled all over your favorite pants. Shit Happens.
Today I woke up and had an out of body experience. I saw god in all her infinite glory. She was tall as a mountain and as wide as the north American continent. Her hair was made up of constellations and her eyes reflected the depths of the unknown. In that moment I knew I loved her, for her beauty was remarkable. And at that moment I knew I despised her because she disconnected herself from me when she sent me to a place where we would never meet. And when I finally looked on the face of my goddess she was me.
I fell in love once. Way back when I was still living in the past, and dying in my present, and dreaming of my future.
Our love was one of those fantastical stories that was written in the stars by the gods. One that was so out of this world, that my partner and I had a hard time reaching it.
The way wasn't always easy, and our paths weren't always straight. But we made it cause I loved her and she loved me.
At least that was true until reality came crashing down on us. And we had to see each other for what we really were... Assholes!
Why is it that I hate myself. Sometimes I wonder why I even try. I get up in the morning and just wish I could die. But the thought of ending my own life would be against what I hold dear. So I try and cope, I loss myself in books by others. Instead of writing myself. Sometimes I dream of doing wonderful, life changing things, but my reality sets back in and I'm in the same dark hole I started out in. So what steps are there for me to take, in a world that is full of opportunities for those who reach for them, who work for them, and not those of us who only dream of them.
In the mist of the mountain range, there appeared a rabbit. A nice white bunny rabbit, chomping down on a carrot... At least I think it was a carrot. Well from here it looks as if it's a rotten baby's leg.
It was very hard to see, in this foggy weather. So I'm pretty sure I was just seeing things. Or maybe hearing things. Because that noise was getting progressively closer.
Jump, mother fucker! I'm tired of all the junk you've been talking behind my back, and in front of your friends. Now that you have my undivided attention, please tell me what you've been whispering to my family, my friends, my confidants. It's kind of sad knowing that now that you have the time to express your true feelings about me, a cat seemed to have grabbed your tongue. Well here's the deal, I don't like you. I don't care for you. And I will beat you down, and the next thing that will becoming out of your mouth is, "PLEASE STOP YOU'RE HURTING ME!" Hopefully you learn from your mistake.
NOThing, nothing exists in my mind. I am empty of all thought and all feelings. Because I don't exist. Maybe I just wish I was a fragment of someone else's imagination. Then maybe my life wouldn't be so...... Well I can't even describe it. It's like a waking dream that I can't manage to get up from. I go through all the motions but I can't seem to wake up. I am the good girl my mother always wanted. I am the studious girl my father always wanted. I am the lover my boyfriend desires. I am the secret keeper my friends always wanted. But I am not the boy I want to be. I can't be myself in a world that doesn't exist. I can't exist as myself in a world that doesn't except me.
Today started like anyother day. I went to sleep. You see i work at night, and I hate it. Well not really. I just strongly dislike it. Especally the fact that I am surround by people who are bumping uglies, and I'm not invited. Well, I'm not into that really. I just want to be in love. You see I work at a hotel. An extended stay hotel. And now it is summer and people are just coming and cumming (if you know what I mean ;). But I can't seem to find anyone who is worth loving. Just because I like to read, and sometimes I try to write spectaular stories (that I end up hating... most of the Time). Sometimes it is nice to look up at the stars at night but because I am working in the city all I see is the passing lights of the airplanes. Maybe I can wish on those and my dreams will come true. Maybe?