So while I'm standing on the bank of that muddy ol river this alligator comes flying out of the water and grabs me by the leg and starts trying to pull me into the water...well I gotta tell you if it weren't for Ned my chihuahua pulling hard the other direction at the same time and barkin too while he still holden the rope in his teeth, I'd a been a goner. I mean I aint got much of a leg left but then luck has it that I had two to start with anyway...and that's something you can't about your nose or another thing or two hanging off my body. Ned got a big steak that night by the way.
When Jess and girlfriend got big tattoos the same day together I have to admit I got real mad. Jess never did what I told him anyway and I been telling him, kid you get something like under your skin all over and 10 years down the road you commit a crime or something it's going make you a sitting duck. And as for Jenny having your name inked into her forehead. Whoa I didn't know anyone could really that dumb and still be eatin' as good as she does. Maybe it's because she is a vegan...her parents are vegans. even her do is a vegan. and now she's got this tattoo on her forehead. Hard to believe...She'll probably be runnin' for president soon every other nut is.
They say you cant teach old dogs new tricks but I just learned one and I'm old. So it's not true the saying I mean about old dogs. Funny that. I know other old dogs and I watch them and I don't see them learn even one new trick like I did so I must be a different kind of old dog. SIT UP someone kept saying and that's what I did that was the new trick even though it's silly but I don't say that. The other one even sillier is ROLL OVER. My god what do they take me for its so stupid. I fixed them though the one that kept saying ROLL OVER I mean when I said YOU GO FIRST. And what do you know the person who kept saying ROLL OVER stopped saying that to me and from then on the only trick I did was SIT UP because when I did I got something to eat and I like to eat even though I'm old and getting fat now. Goes to show you you're better off just doing what you want and saying to hell with the everything else especially when there's nothing in it for you after all.
A long time a go when I was with all the kids in the neighborhood we decided to bury a treasure then draw map to the treasure but we had to figure out what the treasure was going to be first but no one could agree on something important enough to be a treasure so we had a hard time drawing the map at first but then someone came up with the idea that we would all put something the hole we dug and that would be the treasure then we could draw the map so we did. But then we needed drawing stuff so we put what money we had together and walked to the store and bought pencils and paper and rulers all the cool stuff to draw with and then everyone came home then everybody but me lost interest in drawing the map and I ended up with all the cool drawing stuff and the map so it was only me in the end who knew where the treasure was. Supposedly. But when I went to dig the treasure up it was gone including mine.
When I was a kid I stuttered badly and then one day I didn't. I couldn't figure our why except the little kid with me when I stopped stuttering was happy when I was pretend reading to him so much that when I made him happy with what I was reading to him it made me so happy that I stopped stuttering and I never stuttered again. When I stopped the moment I mean that I realized I could talk like everyone else I tried it out again and said everything I could think of to see if I was dreaming and I wasn't and I ran to find my dad and said dad listen to me talk and he said okay and then I talked and the words came out one after the other smooth as silk and I was so so happy and he was happy and then I went to find my mom and tell her and she said how wonderful and then I went to school and the teacher said thats good and now I want you to give a speech and I did. Abraham Lincoln.
It hadn't been 3 minutes since she slammed the door going out leaving me without even saying goodbye when the wineglass I thought was near the sink when I went to set it down was not and when it let go it crashed to the floor. It wasn't just any old wineglass either it was a special glass made by a glass artist who had signed and numbered it and sold versions like it for hundreds of dollars. He'd given it to me for my birthday two of them in fact and the other had already broken and now both of them had broken and my marriage was too. I went to bed and cried.
I need to save my life here by writing something. I need to convince the person standing over me with a gun that she should spare my life. What can I say that can do that...think, think, think...I could say PLEASE DON'T KILL ME." Maybe that would work. Somehow I don't think so, especially if she's a robot with no feelings. I'm not sure. I've not seen her before. She appeared at my door holding a clipboard saying she wanted to ask me a few questions and would I mind if she came in the house to do that. She was so small and unintimidating that I thought nothing of letting come inside. Once she was inside though she pulled a gun from inside her coat and said that if I didn't tell her something she hadn't heard before she was going to kill me.