When you have stopped doing something and yet you crave to start it again. Thats such a beautiful moment. That moment before the dive. You are unsure if it would be a successful one, and yet you dive.
You are distracted and you can see the whole chaos going on in your head and yet you do not lose hope.
Its like a small ant trying to take that big piece of food alone and climbing up the slope.
Setting up priorities is important and deciding on them, even harder! Trying to answer that has taken my mind into a wandering maze.
So should I keep wandering?
There is dearth of concentration/ there is dearth of meditation in my life and I can surely feel that.
Perhaps someday I will be able to see the thoughts without reacting to it. Like right now, I think about going to office - and before moving my butt, I ask myself- is office a priority?
I started to feel a relentless urge to leave office. I wanted to go out and feel the winds and the autumn afternoons that I am so fond of.
So i went out, took my keys, started my bike and left the campus. And now, I am there....
By the side I see tall towers have grown up systematically, one after the other. I felt that there are way too many complexes, so many people, yet the roads look so empty to me. Hasnt been much time since when I had been cycling through similar roads back in my hometown. The greenery by my side, and the rotaries in the roads were missing. Purposeless travel is still something I love, and am glad today I have made time for that.
Guess what I found from this travel?
Found a new road, through Gitanjali park, that takes you to the main connecting road to my office.
While coming back, I had a big veg burger. Some times well spent with myself alone, and yet no regrets for so.
Freedom is what we all love, and freedom during normal office hours was something exceptional!!
I still can feel the smell in the air, it must be of some typical flowers you find in this season. Its a season of love, times when me and kheya used to spend such afternoons encircling our small town for hours. Those days, I miss, when there was my heart beating for everything! When my heart was free to try every new thing! When my life was not bonded to any strings!!
I called her up. She also had the same feeling as me. Maybe its time, we go out in such long drives soon. Our escape is the escape to freedom, and the long roads to drive when the destination shall knowingly never arrive!
A young age medical student comes in to the house party.
Opening dead bodies, breaking skulls and fiddling with the different systems within the human body, is something which he has been doing for 2 years now.
He could easily describe an incident, when he had to literally operate a young women's vagina. The way he had seen blood and corpses, it seemed as all his feelings were dead. The world had become all about composition, elements and too much physical to him.
He comes in late, while other three friends, from different professions of life have already come together.
He has brought a new artificial zippo lighter, the ones you find in a roadside stall at Esplanade.
Also, a new 3d vision glass, that can magnify any mobile movie into a three dimensional one. He was extremely happy to unpack it, and see one of his favorite movies in action.
Irony was that it costs only two dollar, and the extended version it produces, no better than a magnifying glass.
His friends had a hearty laugh.
For someone, locked up in a hostel, having to memorize the complex medical jargons almost 16 hours day, with no entertainment whatsoever, such absurd delicacies are indeed a great means of entertainment.
When the party started out, just like it ought to happen post drink sessions, he started sharing more of his life experiences.
Turns out that he had attempted suicide twice, was subjected to shock therapy and living on anti-depressants.
There were times when it felt like he was crucified by his parents to succeed at whatever cost it took. He had lost many of his friends, and all he knew, was to run ahead in the competition.
Well, why not, if you have to score 60% in every exam, and the volume to be memorized has already crossed a million pages by now.
To the party people, who were lost in their own songs and dance, such stories really meant to bring down the mood altogether.
So, to make it lighter, they started singing together.
They were all enjoying, while Ritam was getting heavy at times. Fun started when he joined in to one of the nostalgic numbers. Maybe it brought back memories of his childhood life, well before the trauma it suffered, in the hands of ruthless academic pressure.
By the time it was 2 pm in the night, they all went out to buy some more wine.
Normally dogs bark at the drunkards, but this time, the myth was broken.
Ritam was carrying a street dog literally in his arms, and the way they were loving him, was something I had'nt seen in years. It was a beautiful moment to witness, and the happiness that I saw in his eyes, was clearly telling me, that the dogs could have easily been a better substitute to the anti-depressant pills in his life.
The party was still on. He was elated, as if a prisoner has just been freed, for no crime of his own.
It was a normal day for the big team of developers, supporting one of the biggest production environments.
The flow of traffic into the production, was like normal, and all defect logging monitors were in its place. And then, just like the manna from heaven for the developers, a defect had arrived.
The bug was roaming around undetected, despite the monitor in place.
In weirdest of scenes, happens out to be that the bug has arrived hand in hand with a developer live into the production environment. The bug was not a show-stopper of course, but known to another developer as well. It seemed like a friendly bug.
After spending some 30 long heart-laughing minutes, along with his two developer friends, amidst a live production environment, the bug decided to leave.
This was one of a situation, when a defect without getting locked in an incident, or causing any trouble, decided to leave the production space, quite naturally and comfortably.
The developers who brought him to place, laughingly bid adieu to him. As the bug moved out, one of them shouted out, " thats a known defect".
For Ross, it was just another day of having lunch, in his friend's office, tailgating without a valid access card.
Security was still in place, environment thriving live, with happy developers spread all around.
I have started putting endeavour to building my english building today. References coming from my memory lane, showing me sharply that I was once very fond of english. The macmillan english idioms list book something that popped in front of my brain screen.
Although I had bought it, i dont remember the instances when I actually ran through it. I still know that the black book must be there somewhere in my garage. Irony is, I am reading idioms once again from an online resource. So, I am running behind what I had left back in Class 5?
So, I am pretty sure that now I am not doing what I wanted to do. And the funny part is that, its already 15 years covered in chasing competitive dreams. However there is this subliminal aversion creeping in now. And I am sure the old me wants to shrug off its remniscence and dive into the pool of my childhood ambitions.
I am loving this. Just need more energy to support myself!
It gets tougher if you have pending things on your back. Better to finish things the day it arises.
Like a Manna from Heaven, this long old craze has visited me, and I am going to welcome it with all my passion.
The monkey jumped on to my desk.
No matter how hard I try to fix myself to logically pursue my coding job, the monkey would not want me to work.
It jumped on to my mobile screen first, tapping on the Fb icon. Then it seemed like it was tired. It was hanging in my neck, and I felt like there was pain in my shoulders. It was a heavy monkey, forcing me to stretch my arms many a times, leaving my keyboard.
Just wanted to doze off, here itself despite so much work to be completed.
Just then , the monkey jumps into my pocket realizing me of the keys inside. So it wants me to go back home? Keeping aside all the work to be finished should I leave?
I wish to kill this monkey and get productive again. Look, how its laughing at me now? He is thinking, " no matter how much you try!, I will not allow you to work!! "
I am really pissed off to be a descendant of this notoriously unruly species!
Ok back to my most favourite spot. My writing desk.
Its strange that these days I am able to watch myself burn down. And stay like a witness. Imagine this.
A huge building has caught fire. Its a beautiful sophisticated building. Wonderful showpieces, lot of money and beautiful cars studded within. The building is witnessing some passers by.
Some are crying, some of them booing at the negligence of its owners, some of mocking at the loss of the owner, while some are mourning over the loss happening within. Some are wanting to call the fire brigade, but they know that it would take long time for them to arrive. Some people outside, are
I am this building. I am feeling pain. I am deeply wanting for relief. This relief can come only with the most basic necessity of life, that is water. I am no more concerned about the expensive materials burning to dust. I am no more concerned of the losses that I have to bear. I am not bothered about what the people outside are gonna say.
And although funny it may seem, I am also the witness.
Lets Sleep Tonight
Its 4.30 pm in the afternoon. I have just taken my cycle to start running for the tuition's.
Late as always, I have managed to paddle fast. Tensed for the questions to face, but, happy to paddle the new bicycle again.
I come back home at 7.00 pm.
Mom is busy in her serials. I go to my room. I pull out my copies and my self inspirational talks start again with myself.
“I have to study and get good marks.”
Arisen myself, I feel positive.
And then, I keep hearing the sounds of the serials from the other room. I am studying, but my mind has left this space. It’s more tuned in to what’s happening in the programs in the TV.
In this distracted scenario, I keep returning back to the books, and again flying to the thought zone. Tug of war continues, till my mind wins the fight and I run to the other room.
“I will complete the lessons later. I will read throughout the night today. For now, let’s enjoy ‘Mirakkel’.”
Post dinner, I am fully ready for spending precious time with the pending Chemistry lessons. I have fought with my incoming sleep with much needed enthusiasm. As, if the next WBJEE topper is getting ready for his success!
Its 11.30 pm and I have started with the chemistry lessons taught today.
I am feeling positive.
Just then, I switched on the computer, my best friend, and my constant source of excitement and enthusiasm.
Why not, when you have max Payne and Project IGI installed, and internet connected secretly from the telephone as well!
“Just 15 mins”, I console myself.
"Just 15 mins, and I will be back, to you, dear Chemistry!"
And then the clock turns 12.
I am chatting parallely with a friend from Egypt, one from Kolkata, and one from USA.
Constant pings and buzzes appearing in the yahoo chat rooms.
The clock has turned 12.30.
"Hey you need to get back to the chemistry notes".
"Just 10 more minutes and I will get back, promise!!".
Meanwhile I am simulating laughter with my friends from abroad, trying to know about mummies in egypt.
I am busy asking people about things they love to do, hobbies they pursue and stuff they do in their countries!!
The non-stop curiosity to meet strangers glowing eminently. The desire to go into their lives and know more about them, remains unquenched.
The clock has turned 1.15 am.
"Now no more! lets get back now!, All your friends are studying, they will score far more than you." "Get back now!!!!!"
"Let me sleep tonight, and will get up early tomorrow morning and finish off the pending as well as start with the Periodic table".
"Hey Mahmoud!! Are you there mate?"
"So, hows the weather in Egypt now?"
"Can you send me something unique from there?"
"Send me some egyptian song, no!"
Clock has struck 2 pm.
I am feeling drowsy already.
I get up and run for the bed, quick enough to displace the notebooks back into my new book shelf.
We will complete and be a better student from tomorrow.
Lets sleep tonight!!!!
Its time to return back. From the massive window, in the 5th floor conference room, this is the first time, I experienced the onset of a winter evening.
It was 5 pm, apparently when the last flock of white birds flew northward. Clad in white, forming the pattern of an arrow, they looked beautiful together. Down below, several groups of young hearts walking happily for their afternoon tea frenzy. As if the recess bell has just rung.
The newly built bridge looked like it needed a break from the unending trail of the traffic over it. The silence of the half lit evening broken by occasional horns. The big mechanical crane in its right left motion, making a restless attempt to finishing another corporate monument.
From the 5th floor, it all felt like a imaginary town with little soldiers. Toy cars and buses appearing every now and then. And nature getting ready to embrace the dark.
From the distance, I could feel the impulse of a break, a much needed break, that I wished for.
Feels like a deep wound. And I have reached that wound spot. I am feeling afraid to treat it since it's been lying that way for long. How do I heal this wound?. I don't know but only way I see is to look at it and then I fall asleep.
My deep wound is swelling and my hands and feet are falling numb. I feel like crying out loud.
I just can't resist this anymore. And I can't run away anymore. This is not the solution..I am ready to face it.
Right now its paining within me and I am feeling insecure. What if they can see what I am doing here and laugh at me. I have to cut myself off from this world..I have to go into a long operation of my wound...before I can access my freedom again.
When did I create this wound? Did I myself hurt myself? Was I purposefully giving pain to myself....this seems very deep. Have I lost myself? No I want to know more...I love you dear tell me.....
I could not understand. They just kept teaching me and I went on memorizing..I could not understand... I could not feel it.
And when I felt.. I felt so sensitively that they started to mock me. I was crying in class 8 because I could not give the class test. I was in high hyper tension. Too much tension to perform..there were expectations.
I wanted to hide so I went to sleep. I kept crying within.... I was not liking any of the subjects...I only liked the songs...chandrabindoo..fossils sonu nigam and ar rahman.
I am not able to go deeper. I am trying hard to reach there. Why couldn't I ...why couldn't I...I just didnt understand this..I had no answer to this. So till now when I don't want to do something and I am forced to do it I feel sleepy. I have to get rid of this sleepy syndrome. No let it be. I have to operate this wound.
What we are doing here? Thats a mystery. Every little action we are doing is bringing in some reaction, but all happening in a dimension of time. This dimension is something we have invented with a clock, but the real truth may be something else.
It seems unreal if you look at the clock ticking. Day and night is all thats happening. And within this day and night, there are several instances where several activities are taking place. So what is this? Do we really know?
We come to work and make money. Where are we going towards? Towards death...lets face it, because thats the truth. And does it mean the end? Who knows...probably its just the death for the new birth again.
How do we know where we are in this journey? The clock must have turned a million times in our span of what we call LIFE.
So is it worth looking at the clock?
So Ross comes back to his old office after a year. Things have'nt changed much since he left. Except for the water body beside "Cafe Coffee Day". It now has some fishes swimming in it. A live aquarium sort of. Something more valuable is meeting with his old friends, one from college and one from school. His real good buddies, they are! From times of passing exams together, to days of buying that first adult cd! Fond memories are everywhere in Ross's mind ! Raj staying very close to this new office, is bringing back some fond memories to Ross. Days when they used to spend a lot of time playing Fifa 2006 in Raj's computer. It was one of those times, when life had so less to worry, and more to fun. Also the days when they used to explore different unknown places in their silent peaceful hometown. Again, Ross feels like going to Raj's place. Maybe they can play computer games once again! Although these days both of them are working as software engineers, but the question is, will it still be possible? Why not? Well, there has been some turbulent times in their friendship and they are like seeing each other after a break of around 7-8 years. In between, they have been in touch, but there was some resistance in their hearts. So what happened to them? Maybe a look back in time could help!
It has turned out to be a bright Thursday. More into himself, Ross, has decided to 'feel' himself, throughout the day. A nice ride to his office, he finds himself comfortably seated in his chair. Even the chair and the ambiance feels good today, more comfortable. There is a lot of positive vibe in him which makes the same parking space appear different. He called up his old friends, whom he hadn't called since past 1 year.
His positive spirit it might have been, all these people were so happy to hear his voice. They wanted to meet him, but they were kinda caught up in work. He met 2-3 old faces out there, it is his old office where he was working for past 4 years. Being back after a break of 1 year in the same space, and that too being present fully to the experience, made Ross so happy. He found his lost smile, his high pitch and his body moving freely. He was even found shaking his hands and legs in the tune of the song in his ears. All this, yet completely present, not trudging in the land of thoughts. Just Ross, his feeling , his smile, his passion and his life! Everything about Ross, in the moment. There is a fine line between the space of his thoughts and the moment that he is in. The fear arises when the border is stepped over. Sometimes its hard to come to the zone of now, from the zone of thoughts. That is when it all starts falling down for Ross. Someone has corrupted this land of his imagination, more like weeds that have grown out there, kind of energy-suckers to be precise!
But today, uptil 4.00pm, Ross is alive, awake and more like he was always. As he sees himself in the mirror, he says " Damn! that's you Ross!, that's my man!"
There was some magic in the feeling of the moment.
Not many a times do you feel liek this. You feel like you have not known yourself but just blindly following like a sheep in a herd. But where is this herd heading to? It has never been a matter of personal introspection, its more about blind following. But following where? Where does this I want to reach? Not a moment of privacy is allowed, just the next thing and the next thing..the desires keep hopping on. Not a single moment to discover what are the things we love. Where is the feeling to be one with yourself? You are just playing like a story you saw in a movie.That movie star in a perfect corporate role, or that romantic lover in a beautiful flick you saw. We are all just playing those actors in our mind. We are never living in this now. Where is the beat to syncrhonize yourself to your SELF? The self that defines you, that creates you, that makes you who you are. That originality is far better than a thousand copies that you run behind. Perhaps someday I will be able to discover that 'I' which is not the role thats being played, but in the moment that it stays. Perhaps I could capture that I someday!
This has started from long back. There was not much that could be understood about this guy named Ross. He has been silent and slowly growing melancholic since his childhood days. He was not talking much, mostly getting sad at every other small remark passed his way. There was some pain in him that seemed to rely heavily on the external circumstances and it would be ignited at whatever small change that affected him. What was the reason for this grief? What was the reason for his weeping? Why was he so sensitive? Why did his own land of imagination start getting as a place of hiding? He was more of thinking that he was being watched. This fear of being watched made him leave anything that he wanted to pour himself into. So why was he feeling afraid of being watched? This made him fall prey to mockery and rubuke in school days. So what was the fear he was carrying? And why did it keep instigating the pain deep down in him?