Do they know? I can't decide whether I should just tell them or wait to see if they say anything. Its killing me. Literally. The air that floats atop my skin is slowly being erased. I am becoming nothing. Everything around me is starting to turn in and obliterate. I can't stop it because I've had enough. I can't take all the things that are disintegrating me. I don't need any help though, because I'm ok with it. You see, its much more comfortable to be ok with everything that is going on now, while not being able to control it. I just see myself in the rivers of memories and time, following everyone else to our deaths. But what happens after death? There's no possible way we have any senses while we are dead, so there's no possible way we can figure this out. I don't care about this either. Everyone dies and so will I.
Where do all the peices before our eyes come from? Is it from the stimulus of the electromagetic spectrum hitting and reflecting in our eyes? There is no possible way for humans to understand this. Simply because we can't, we don't have the ability to. We may try to strive for the knowledge beyond our understanding, but we won't be able to comprehend it. Religions look to explain all these happenings with fables and legends from their anceint scriptures, but how could that be? They were only part of exsistence for a fraction of its time (as far as we know), so how could they possibly know? We should accept the fact that its impossible for us to understand everything that happens around us, but we should be content with what we know so far. As history continues to grow we will more and more have an understanding of this exsistence.
For some reason, I really don't care. Everything that goes on in my life doesn't appeal to me at all. I feel like theres no worth of anything in anything. Everything is just a show for something simpler, but bigger underneath. I am so curious about the world we don't know about yet that I completely ignore what's going on right now. Right now I'm in school at the library during a study hall, writing. While doing this I am pondering over how do we feel our feelings? Are our feelings felt by ourselves? Or at least what we call 'ourselves'. I just need answers, answers to everything. Answers to questions that haven't even been asked yet. Bring wisdom to the ignorance that hasn't gotten a chance to be ignorant yet. There is no meaning for me for life, life itself can never have a meaning because life can never be directly defined.
I wish I could create more time. Manuipulate and evolve it into something better. Something easier to manage. But then there would be changes everywhere, I couldn't do that. I just need something that can pause time, yes. A device that can bring me back to the times when we threw stones at each other and also zipping far into the future when we don't even have to think about thinking. Maybe I just need to go to time management classes. That could be like traveling in time, sort of, only with motivational speakers tearing your rational thoughts apart every week at that workshop. All I really need is help. Help with all the stresses and emotions that I go through each day. Just making it slightly easier to cope with can be life-changing for me. If I notice that I become detached from the movement of time, I stay there, waiting for that thing to take me away, to that place where those things happen, all the time.
It's silent. Nothing to be heard or said. Nothing can be executed nor procrastinated. It constricts, binds; also setting us free from the trapped world we live in. The only thing that keeps us strong is each other. When we are left alone and have no one to collaborate with, we end up with insanity. Learn to love and forget the hate. When we get into a situation when we hate some one, it is so easy to just throw your emotional strength away to hate. But if we try to fight that laziness we find in our emotions and work against it, we can bring love into our lives. Through this our enemies can become our friends.
Coffee and the cigarette. For some reason I need one every single morning. They pair so well together like the blinding white light rays bouncing off of that plain piece of rice. I never would have thought that drugs really make a difference in the way I live, but they do. They control the way I live. Its like a girlfriend that is always on your back telling you that she needs you more and more and more. When I wake up in the morning I think about having a coffee, how awake I will be for my first period class, how easy it will be to focus versus being dead throughout the day. But when I don't have the coffee in the morning, I feel more human. More capable to go through my day a little more normal then the rest of the caffein cravers. And then there's the cigarette need. But screw him, that shit gives you cancer, so when I don't have and I don't smoke any. I wish to become detached to the creations that man has made to increase our needs in a negative way.
I don't know where to start. The paint was chipping, bricks were falling out of our chimney, every single day of winter we had to bundle up with every blanket in our house. The worst was the lack of food. My parents could pay the electrical and water bills, but nothing else. Every now and then we would get a greasy meal from the fast food place down the street, but that wasn't filling at all. I wish I could escape this world I live in now and find somewhere that's so much better. Where I don't have to worry about people trying to take things from my house in the middle of the night for money for their heroin fix. Just to live without this fear that one day I won't have any more parents, I will have to live on my own. I hope to acheive something great in my life, even something little that doesn't matter. I just want to put a meaning behind myself. I just want to be free and prosper.