As the days go by without you in my life, it seems like I am able to get more done. Yet, you are still in the back of my head. My thoughts sometimes stray to fantasies about you. Again I tell myself it's not worth it because the feelings I have for you will not be returned in the manner which I desire.
So slowly I break away from you, I'm not going to burn the bridges, but I will refrain from crossing them for I know that there is bittersweet feelings on the other side. I know in my heart that I will care about you for a while. In time, I hope that longing will fade.
There are lessons to be learned in the time I spent knowing you. Lessons that should make me a better person, a smarter person. Our paths are slowly diverging but ever so slowly, as the time to heal wounds doesn't heal quickly...or rather quickly enough...
I am the second man. I am the guy who she has fun with when she's not with her man...and it has taken me this long to realize that perhaps she's not as beautiful on the inside as she seems. It's one thing to be friends but to be close? I don't know...or rather I don't know anymore.
It is with this realization that I am leaving you. We can't be friends, and you want to know why? It's because every time we're together I want hold your hand, kiss your lips and hold you tight. Yet I don't because I know you already have another man.
You wonder why sometimes I act so stressed...well it's because I'm fighting my bodily urges around you with my mind. Every time we hang out now, it's a mental battle for me and I find myself tired and not for the best reasons.
I have to go, you may not know it, but I love you.
Now I begin my journey away from you, our paths will spread out further and further until it is too far to turn back. I want you to be happy, and I know our friendship is important, but it's damaging to me. It hurts me and I want to have a better life.
If it's a life I have to live without you, then that's the path I will take. I cannot be the second man any more. I won't...
Am I chasing a dream that cannot be fulfilled? Can it be attained? Is it beyond what can be achieved? I think in my quest to find the right one, I've probably neglected the ones that would make me happier.
I was told never to settle, but maybe I took it took literally and haven't given those I've passed over a chance. Maybe I shouldn't settle, but I shouldn't be too picky as well. My heart yearns for something I cannot physically touch.
Maybe I am chasing something that isn't realistic, maybe in my journey to perfection I've been blinded to the beauties of imperfection. I thought I had found the one before but alas, it was not meant to be.
How do I get myself off this vicious cycle of finding perfection? How do I find someone...what do I need to change?
"I love you...that's how I feel. At first I thought it was simple infatuation, something that would go away but no, it did not. I even catch myself breaking my promise to keep my distance. I just want to hold you, to feel you but I know that it cannot be allowed. Under different times I would have made you mine. It hurts knowing that I cannot have you. Sometimes I do think what it would be like to have you. Our days together on the beach with the warm sun in our faces, and nothing to care about in the world except each other. Nothing can be more beautiful.
I am pained by the knowledge that you cannot be mine. My body acts without my minds consent and sometimes I do show acts of greater affection than I should. Perhaps it's best that I stay away. It breaks my heart knowing that but it's for the best. I've tried many times before, maybe this is the one time that I will finally break free of you. All I know for sure is that I love you, but I cannot have you. "
- The story of Jim, a man who loves, but doesn't get it back.
Maybe I ask too much of others, maybe not. This world was meant for one to live life as it goes and not try to anticipate everything. Though as a by-product of all the stress surrounding me, my friends get the worst of it. It's a immature thing to do, to take it out on your friends when the problems lies somewhere else. The problem is stubborn and refuses to solve itself and therefore I'm the one stuck dealing with the stress and dealing it out to the ones I care about.
It's a bad cycle, one that I must stop. I'm just going to end up hurting more than just feelings, even potentially damaging my friendship with everyone.
So just like that, first came the marriage and then came the news that there will be a baby in 9 months. Just to be clear it's not mine, but rather a friend that I have known and respected for a long time. From the first day I met her, I always had a high opinion of her, her work ethic was second to none and she seemed very organized.
Near the end of our tenure in school, she started dropping off in terms of marks, but it wasn't because she wasn't trying, but rather she had invested a great deal of time in other academic pursuits. At first I was angry with her because I had thought we'd graduate together and eventually work together someday.
Then she got engaged and now she's having a baby. It's clear to myself that I am very much disappointed in her. She's throwing her life away.
Then I take a step back, look at the whole picture and think, maybe this is what she wants, and what I want for her is irrelevant. I do want me friends to do well, but what I imagine their path to greatness is just that, my imagination. What I want in life is what I want, not someone else's, why should I propose my ideals on someone else.
Everyone has their own life, and it's not my place to tell others how to live. She seems happy, and as a friend, that's all I should want her to have in her life.
Congrats to you Mel, you're moving up in life, I'm so happy for you.
Sometimes while longing for someone of my own, I look to others and their relationships. I see the harmony and the love, and sometimes feel jealous. I also see how beautiful a relationship can be. It takes time to create the love that couples share. Sometimes I wonder, "What does she see in him", and other times I accept that it's something I cannot see for myself.
As I continue my quest, I'm drawing up a better picture of the person I want, the person I desire. I know in my mind that there's no one who could perfectly fit the bill, but alas I keep looking. The journey to that end will yield lessons more important to my overall growth then simply waiting for that person to fall into my lap.
The relationship and chemistry between musicians is just like any other relationship. If order for good things to happen, there must be a deep connection. Whether it be the drummer to the guitarist or bassest to singer. Even if all the parts are good, doesn't mean the sum of the parts is good.
There is nothing more satisfying than playing with another musician who you can click with. The music just flows out of them, and they play off each other. It's a perfect storm of harmony that not many can match. There are reasons why people go in and out of bands. It's life. People come and go, and only the ones that truly fit stay. It's nothing personal, it's chemistry.
It's something that cannot be taught, it's something that one just knows. It's like laying your eyes on that one beautiful thing for the first time. There's no other feeling because it takes your breath away.
So like musicians, find the ones in your life that 'fit' and that you can harmonize with. Keep them, and you'll be grateful that you did.
Allow me to tell you the story of James. James was a man of principal. He could always see and read what people were. To that sense, you could sometimes call it supernatural. One day, he met this woman named Michelle at his work place. On the exterior she seemed like a silent and dominate force of nature. Her walk and stride dictated she was a strong woman. James however sensed there was something amiss with Michelle and that she wasn't all she appeared to be. He began talking to her and getting to know her but he couldn't crack the shield that he knew she was projecting to everyone around. This frustrated James because his ability was being nullified for the first time in his life and he didn't know how to break the code. Then one day, things started to crack. Michelle, up until this point had never been denied promotion, and that is exactly what happened. When she stepped out of that room and back into her office James went over to see how she was doing. When is looked in, he was amazed at the transformation. Inside wasn't the strong woman he had seen but rather a meek little girl who didn't seem confident at all. No, all that was left was a self conscious young woman who didn't know what to do with failure. It was amazing to James to see how much different she was. He knew he had to do something so he knocked and went into her office...
Allow me to tell you the story about Tim. Tim was a strapping young lad who was very confident in his career as well as life. If there was one thing that could throw him off, was when women said "maybe". He never knew what it meant. He was used to getting a "yes" or a "no" but a "maybe"? Well that just throws him off. It's like the world has collapsed on him and he does not know what to do. You see, Tim is interesting in a lady, and he has maybe attempts to ask her out, all result in the dreaded "maybe". His friends tell him to move on, even the female ones, but alas, he holds steadfast that perhaps he could turn that maybe into a "yes". Is it a crime to have hope? For him, the crime was "maybe". For one so strong and focused, it really threw him off. He couldn't concentrate on anything. Even if his friends said they were maybe he wouldn't care. Alas, could this woman be the one that makes him come apart?
Let me tell you the story of Steve. Steve was a dreamer. One who was a hopeless romantic and believed that love will triumph over all. Problem was, it wasn't Steve that was in love, it was all those around him. See, one of Steve's gifts or curses depending on who you ask was his ability to bring people together. He would call it accidental matchmaking. Steve had always been the third wheel in every group of 3 friends that had another man and a woman. Steve would know two people, and wanting to spend time with them both, and this he accidentally "matchmade" them. Now he wasn't intending to do such things, it just he had an uncanny ability to know which kinds of people go well together. After a while, he was known as a matchmaker amongst his friends, whether he wanted the title or not. Steve, on the outside tried not to show how sad he was on the inside. "How can I bring others together and not find someone for myself?", was always a question he asked himself. Perhaps he was too into life to notice, to find someone, or perhaps he just hadn't found the right person. I can tell you that to this day, Steve still hasn't met anyone that he feels romantic for, and yet along the way has brought others together, who without Steve would never have met.
Opinion opinions opinions. Everyone has one. The biggest thing one should worry about is how it affects you! You see, no matter how stubborn someone is, there is bound to be something said or by someone in particular that the person in question would take to heart. Everyone wants to give their opinion, it's human nature. The trouble is learning how to filter all the stuff you don't need. First off, I believe that people should grow thicker skulls first of all. Also, try to remain neutral about everything. One is more likely to accept opinions from those they respect or like, like friends or professors. I think that ruins our critical mind, and sometimes our ability to think for ourselves. One has to make sure to rely on their own opinions and form new ones based on what they learn and not take all opinions like they matter in life and death. There are some things in life where you have to take it at face value, like math. Either way, one has to be strong and understand that not everyone is correct in what they say. Those that tend to become leaders are ones who know which opinions to take and those who are followers will take whatever the leader will give them.
This is part 2 of the James introspect from inside his mind.
"How could I let it come to this. These are my friends and I don't want to let them go. It hurts but I know they are holding me back. Staying here, in this limbo, what am I to do? I know that if I want to succeed, I must break away from these childish people. Those who don't seem to care about making advances in life. I have to get out of here. I have to leave, that's the only way I know I will get better. If I stay here with those that accept crap, then I myself will become the very crap I wish to avoid. My friends are my friends, I can only hope they will understand what I must do. I won't cut them off, they will always have a place in my heart. I've grown up with them, I've seen them laugh and cry. They have done the same for me. Gosh I hope they understand. This is a part of my life where I will diverge away from them, to make something of myself. Maybe one day, when I make it, I will come back and see everyone. For now, I must walk through that door, and leave. I have to, it's for me, it's for the best"
This is the story about James, a man trying to be a self made man. You see, he is one of those career men who try to do the best that he can to make ends meet as well as establish himself as a legitimate artist. His friends on the other hand...well they are not as ambitious. James is usually a pretty serious man who does occasionally like to have fun and relax. His close friends are those who like to do less work and enjoy their lives more, you could say less career ambitious. It was during one of his hangouts with these friends that James realized; "I'm not going to go very far if I keep this kind of company". In short, he knew he had to change his current group of friends with people who were more successful. In his heart he didn't want to leave them, they were his friends and he loved them. He also knew that they were holding him back, and that they were anchoring him to this point in life. So one day, James decided he needed to break out. He wasn't going to leave his friends, no that would harsh. He was going to try and find others to add to his friend pool, those he could learn from so that he could make it in the world. He wasn't going to leave his friends all together, he just needed to get away and grow on his own for a while.
Let me tell you the story of my friend Samantha, or Sam as she likes to be called. She was a wonderful and beautiful person, one who always wanted to see her friends happy and would go out of her way to do it. She would always be available for things to do, and even when she didn't have time, she would make time later in the week or sometime in the future. She had a price to pay however, she wasn't moving forward in her life. She did find time to do side projects here and there, but doing things with her friends and family all the time took away from her personal goals. Now I was always one to say family and friends are important, but I noticed for her, it stood above her own well being. In a sense, she was too selfless and didn't work hard enough to advance her own roles. I always thought she was a free spirit, always going with family to different places all the time, then I realized, is she trapped in this? How can she grow if she didn't strike out on her own more often? It seemed as the days past, Sam would be doing all these fun activities while I myself was working my self away at home, trying to make my work better. In the end though, sadly for her, it seemed that her passion for others left her with none for herself.