When we think of addicts, we think of those people who are hooked on drugs, alcohol, and partying. Addicts are almost always looked down upon for their actions and their problems. But have we ever stopped to think that addiction is not always a bad thing, not always harmful? Those who have addictions were at one point broken, looking for something to numb the pain or fill the void. Addictions can come in all kinds of things: drugs, exercise, people. But have you ever thought that maybe writing could be mine? I am addicted to writing, to escape this painful life. I am obsessed with finding a way out, to avoid my feelings and pain. Instead, I turn to my writing to get me through the tough times. So when you hear the word "addiction," don't always assume it is something bad. It may actually be a lifesaver.
If only someone had found my writing, my words and thoughts spread about, maybe there would have been hope. Within in my writing, was the key to saving me. No one asked, so no one saw. As I laid in bed those sleepless nights, I pulled out my laptop and wrote my heart out. My writing was me, and it told my deepest thoughts and fears. I always wished someone would ask to see, and sadly only one person did. Maybe if they had tried to reach out to see who I really was, they would have noticed the treacherous state I had been trapped in. They never saw the terrible things I wrote, or the suicidal things I had planned. All they ever saw was the smiling face I wore. Some knew I was broken, but not beyond repair. My writing told the story, but they never wanted to hear. They could have saved me, but now it's far too late. As I step off the stool, my scene will be done. And that's how the story ends.
Feelings are perhaps the scariest things in this world. They have the ability to control people, make them crazy. Feelings and emotions can drown you in a second if you're not careful. You can be fine one second, but crying in a corner the next. When people come into our lives, it's like they bring a little box filled with all these little things that will drive you crazy, make you fall head over heels for them. Once you realize you have fallen under someone's spell, you're already too late. Emotions have the ability to make us or break us. They have a power like nothing else in this world. They are who we are, and they make us into the people we are going to be. Emotions are a scary thing, but they can create some of the most beautiful things in the world, if both ends handle with care. Love, hate, sadness, pride, all of these can do amazing things if we let them. Pick what you let dictate you. What emotions will you allow?
Losing you sparked something in me. Quite a few things actually. I experienced hurt, hatred, loneliness, but I felt a spark ignite inside. No one would listen, no one would care. My feelings began to grow inside of me, and I needed to express them, to anyone, anyone who would listen. So I began writing. I needed somewhere to run when I was overwhelmed and my feelings went unspoken for too long. I turned to writing to feel you once again. In our conversations, you began to fade. So that's when I poured myself into another piece of writing, to feel you surround me once more. Losing you was bittersweet. I lost the one who knew me most, but I found my passion in escape. I feel you right now.
As we lie in bed, completely intertwined, I stared in awe at your beautiful face. As we say a quick goodbye, we smiled and turn away, for we know not that this will be our last for months. We go on about our lives, falling hopelessly in love. Eventually, you say words that will forever haunt me: I promise I will never leave. We both know that promises are meant to be broken, so we prepare ourselves for the worst. You might not have left me, but you left my heart, lying there abandoned on the cold ground.
When you have a "coming of age" moment, you began to grow up. You have no other choice than to learn and change in your experiences. Sometimes it will be simply passing that one math class that makes you miserable; you have to grow up and take control of your grades. Some moments will indent in your life in a more effective way. It may be losing your friends and finding yourself, or it could be a traumatic event in your life. These moments are not meant to break us down, but rather to shape and mold us into the people we were meant to be all along. Our lives are not simply a destination, but rather beautiful journeys. There will be set backs, but that is all learning experiences. Along this journey, we found ourselves and our faithful companions. These journeys are not a set length, so live in these beautifully terrifying moments and learn.
An unattainable love is perhaps the most beautiful. For we no longer worry about ourselves, but about the other person. We strive to be enough, to be perfect, to be lovable, and to make it work no matter the situation. But is being unattainable the thing that makes it so unique? It's almost like a dream that cannot be fulfilled without effort and proper care. Love is not anything to be forced; it is something that should be discovered in the most unlikely of places. When this love is right, it will be attainable in one form or aspect. Receiving this gift of life and beauty will make open up doors once unthought-of. It will take your breath away, and in the end, it is indeed worth the struggle.
Passion is a thing that can only be understood by the broken. Without being broken and poor, we seek no rescue. Any passion, or any outlet, is a way to escape the pain one feels deep inside. For we do not appreciate an art, or talent, until it makes you feel something. Passion makes us feel invincible. It brings your soul back to life, even more lovely than we were before. Passion is a drug that we can never get enough of, yet is very rare. Those with passion will shine, and you will see it in their face. It is like an undying flame. Passion is what sets us apart from the ordinary. Passion is what repairs us and saves us from ourselves.
How could any human being say it is okay to hurt another? Whether by words, rape, abortion, any sort of abuse? How has this behavior become so little of a matter? Our world is breaking, yet we are sitting here, just watching. We sit in silence, watching each little piece break inside of a person, until they are broken beyond repair. Why? Why do we allow this? Accept this? By sitting quietly on the sidelines in the game called life, we are destroying ourselves and allowing others to do the same. Such a terrible reality. Why is something as easy as a smile or kind word so hard to manage? This world needs a change. Soon.
In a world with so many people, how could one soul be so alone? What has this world come to, that we feel a million miles away? In a world once so loving, there is now a draft from the cold inside everyone's hearts. For we seek for our own understanding, and push each other down on the way. Cruelty has now become a part of our daily lives. What a terrible fact. When will the realization that change is needed come about? Will we ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering, or will we simply die stuck and trying? For there is no way to find a change if we do not start with ourselves. Oh what a sad, longing world. Will we ever be safe? From our minds? From others? Will we ever feel loved?
People are around, but there is no sound being made. As I am lured in, a monster soon evolves right in front of me. He stares me in the eye, for I am his latest victim. Inch by inch, he closes the space. Suddenly, he grabs my wrist. No, no, no is all that passes through my lips. As he comes closer, I get louder. But he warns me: if I scream then this will all be my fault. I lie there paralyzed with fear. The people on the outside hear my cries, but do nothing. I feel my world becoming darker and darker as he holds me down. A tear rolls down my cheek, but that does not stop him. He leans down and kisses me. "It'll be alright." says the monster sweetly. But in one swift movement, I manage to get to my feet. I quickly raise an open hand and sweep it across his face. Shock and terror wash over me as I realize what I have done. I stand there, unable to move. Seconds later, his hand strikes my cheek as I did his. Another tear runs down my cheek as I run out the door. How could someone that seems so nice, be such a monster?