What do I want to break free from?
I want to break free from the restraints of my own mind, they prevent me from doing so much. I don't even know what these restraints are so I guess I will try to pull them out now and work with tehm on some level.
Restraints - What's holding me back
Big one! Fear! Fear of not being good enough
Fear of people not accepting me
Fear of holding back and going nowhere which inevitibly holds me back and gets me going nowhere.
Fear of failing, this is the big one isn't it! Fear of not succeeding and looking stupid in the process adn this limits our freedom and limits our lives. Or should I say my life. That's another thing, fear of owning our thoughts, our ways, ideas, ourselves. SO how do I step out of these fears and these limiaions? I guess I've just got to do whatever it is I fear and face it head on. I guess that's what I'm doing here with the writing .. not expecting a polished piece of work to just drop on tje page and letting my fears and my imperfections flow out. And not fearing how stupid it looks, though if someone were to be reading this and it weren't exclusively for myself then I'd wonder if I would be so free!
Hey now Hey now, don't dream its over... Hey now hey now... when the world comes in... i have cleaned up the room. that is the office room. and its pretty zen. after all these cleaning sessions i am still not done. there is still another hour to be spent in here. but. i am closer than ever to finishing once and for all. it feels pretty fabulous. throwing shit out. should have done that ages ago, before i moved. but my shit gave me security that i craved. or a certain security that i imagined. now i have something much nicer instead: freedom. peace of mind. simplicity and zen. its fucking great. my house, my room, my world is not full of shit anymore. and with every useless item i bin my life gets a little better. it is truly magical and i recommend anyone to do it. now: if i am to inspire my flatmates? to do the same? then i would have to achieve something great with this effort. wether this is gonna happen remains unknown. but one thing is sure and is manifesting itself already: i am more peaceful. my life feels more abundant. and i feel better about myself. i go formore runs, more meditation sessions. getting ready for work has become a fun ritual: i know exactly where all the things i need are. and it takes me only a few seconds to locate them. its fascinating
There seemed to be an unusual amount of strange figures at the park today, or perhaps I was just paying more attention to my surroundings than I normally do. After all, I'm very prone to daydreaming. But today, the outside world seemed so much clearer than any other day, and it drew my attention out of my own mind to the world outside. I noticed how the flattened tree tops looked like they held up the sky as if it would fall down without them, and how there seemed to be people with orange shirts at regular intervals. "Isn't it strange, how those tree tops look like they hold up the sky?" my lover asked. I grinned. Maybe they WERE different today.
The closest thing you can feel is when someone is pressed against you, skin on skin, touching every part of you inside and out. As his skin runs across yours, you can feel every ounce of sincerity in his body. Every little move he make causes your body to react in a way that is has never done before. Each experience is different, eye-opening, indescribable. The moment he plunges himself into for the first time will be the moment that changes everything. It will feel as if he has taken away an important part of you, but somehow he has replaced it with something that better suited you. This kind of change allows your body to move with his, in perfect understanding. He will turn you over and move himself along the backside of your curves, in the most sensual way, sending chills up your back. The second that he finds that favorite spot, your body will collapse. A burst of energy will jolt through your body, making you aware of everything he does. The pleasure will gather in one part of your body, making it nearly unbearable. Your body migrates to the edge of the bed, looking for something to hold onto. You will try to scream while your body forces you to gasp for air. You grab the sheets. Your strength is gone, almost like your body has decided to surrender. You give up your fight and take it like a young woman would do. As he slows it down and makes it sweet, you slowly begin to build strength back up.
He said, "I try hard too. I hope you see that," in a way that seemed like it was meant to convince me. He said it in a way that unveiled his complete humility. I see it, I really do. I see it in the way he looks at me, the way he thinks I am the only one around. I see it when I catch him staring when he doesn't think I even notice. I saw it in the way he smiled and told me it would be okay when we both knew I had messed up. I saw it in the way he rolled over and held me because he couldn't stand waking up alone. I even see it when he calls me every night because he knows I don't sleep well without hearing his voice. He tries in the way he listens and cares. The way he criticizes me in order to help me grow. I said, "trust me, I see it."