I called you and it shattered. No. You shouldn't have turned back. Go, get the fuck out. Get the fuck out of here I said! I bit my lips until I can taste my own blood.
I couldn't move and so are you. You looked at me, your dark exactly gaze like the ocean, deep and blue and so vastly beautiful.
I forced my eyes shut, I can't allow myself to be drown into you any more than I already am. Or else I’ll die. I might already been dead.
For the first time in my life I wanted to run away from you. It's ironic because I'd always chased you. And now that you're in my grasps, now that you're right there and I'm sure. I just have to hold my hand out. You'll be mine. I--- I felt my fists clenched. Nothing was easier, nothing was more difficult.
Is it really worth it? Is it really worth it to hold myself back? I felt so emotional I’m on the verge of tears. There were millions of reasons to. And there was just one not to. And that's because I, for you.
I laughed at myself, I can't say it. Even though I was ready to admit any kind of emotions I had for you. It's floating in the air, everywhere around me, as natural as my breath, it’s just, I can't put my hands on it.
I saw you twitch ever so slightly. Your mouth opened, your lips shaken. Words came out, low and muzzy. It’s not like you at all. “Did you...” You asked, intentionally left your sentence unfinished because we both know what you’re talking about.
“Yes.” I nodded. I’m sorry my friend, I’m such a coward. But at the very least, I have to do this. I have to affirm you that you didn’t misheard anything, that it was true, that I really meant what I said. When I called you by my name.
Sometimes things get hijacked and diminished to the point where you have to just scratch your head and weep. You blow your horn, but the vessels don’t respond! You ring the bell, but all you get are a flock of birds blocking out the sun. This, then that?Prude penny-pinchers smirk as they collect their little coupons into a pile. All I want to do is color and draw pictures of silly things and write poetry and stories that make people smile in their brains. But all this gets hi-jacked and smoted and instead I’m dodging traffic and holding my breath every minute of every day. People are sending me “Get Well” cards and I ain’t even sick. People are writing eulogies, but I ain’t dying! I’m just hijacked and a little diminished. I’ll be alright.
Productivity gains in China were greater than expected. But not everyon is performing beyond expectations. Athletes flex their oiled pectorals and we spoil them with attention. Melodramatic actors say inspiring words and we raise them above the dingy to-and-fro. I stand my ground. I walk casually through doorways I am not allowed. My world is constantly changing. I wear sunglasses so I do not make eye-contact with any celebrity. I’m provoking power brokers and parking my car where it is not allowed. China is working hard, I am trying to work harder. Every creditor has been tapped. Every celebrity has been spoiled. I am exceeding expectations. What are you doing?
This is the thing that grinds me: I waste so much time awaiting pointless affirmations. My heart is always in a mud puddle. My thoughts are stuck. And sometimes even music doesn’t free me. But these things pass. They really do. They pass away. And I will thump and stomp again with a grin. With a mug of fun and a chin of cheer... Open the windows, someone is coming to me. Open the garage door, someone is coming. The great affirmer. The mud puller. The grin bringer. Come to me and tell me where my hope lies. Pull me from the mud and lead me to a home. I won’t resist your gentle knowledge. Just know that I am damaged product. A bruised reed. A tainted soul who hungers for wicked things and longs for pointless affirmations.
It was an age of poofy hats and telescopic innovations. Disenchanted priests were pondering the cosmos. Disillusioned missionaries were constructing mechanical workforces. It was an age of wonder and a wonderful age. There were powerful punks who bemoaned the coming change. There were Enlightenment Salesmen who were peach with glee. There were innovators and instigators and exposed magicians looking for a home. There were magic movers and "humanity inflators." We were empowered and moving forward. We crossed the ocean to a promised land. We conquered the natives and comforted the pilgrims. The church was scattered. Authority decomposed. Structures crumbled. And men wore poofy hats and fancy pants.