you bitch. you're so stupid. you think everything will be alright? NO. nothing will ever be the same again. It's all your fault. You started this! You can't do anything about it now. You can't undo what has been made. You're just a disappointment. You don't deserve love and affection. You don't deserve to be treated as human. You are filth! You think you're doing the right thing. You are only causing trouble. trouble in the head of your father. trouble in the minds of your neighbors. You think they care about you? well think again! they do not care one single bit of you. They do not care if you're gone. You have nothing to live for anyway. Go and see if someone would care enough to find you. No they would not send dogs to find you nor helicopters. They would not care if you did.
I've feared falling in love for so long, that I hadn't realized it was already happening. You're gnarly, and you don't apologize for it--except at 1:00am in drive thru lines. As you mumble apologies about your emotional setbacks in the middle of asking if at least the sex is good enough to make up for it all. And all I can do is laugh and tell you that we're fine. You're drunk, and I'm taking you home. You're being sweet, and rambling about how much you like me. You're asking how I'm okay with all of your flaws and I don't have an answer, i just am. I don't think about it, I just feel it, and when I listen to the beat of your heart late at night I know that you're really just human, and that you're feelings and faults are just human too.
fires burn throughout the parallel dimensions of our lives. what is a person other than a temporary contraction of matter, that waddles through the burning world trying to become something transcendent? it's metaphysical jazz and nobody knows how it will go. we try not to think about it, but we poked by a divide, a wide wide variety of possibilities. years... we might get 30 more, we might get 5. we start epic projects without knowing if we will have anywhere near the time necessary to complete them. we push the boulder and manage the crop. we plan out things, schedule our time. the world is on fire while we scamper to transcend. "we're running out of time!" metaphysical jazz bullies us, and we've no choice but to dance.
I’m not trying to be circular, I’m trying to learn. We’ve all wandered through these realms of academia, and we've all bounced off these pillars of skepticism. We’ve seen 'proofs' destroy 'doubts,' then seen objections rise from the ashes to deconstruct those very same proofs. And all we want is to be loved, and to maybe have one good laugh every day. To eat something sweet. To see something grand. But before our epistemic eyes, hooligans rise from their oppression-pits to sour our sweets and darken our grand thing that we’re trying to view. And they are the ones who get the good laugh. And it is just really unfair. So we retreat to our books. We retreat to our academic caverns. We challenge smaller foes and eat subtler foods. We know we can’t get what we want. We mope, briefly, then we are on our way again. Back on the trail. Back down the path.
What a great idea! The 100 Happy Days challenge, so every day I post a photo onto social media, I use Instagram, which depicts a moment of my day when I was happy. Something that made me smile, or laugh or both. Something that made me think "yes, this life is good and I am so lucky". I do not find this difficult and it gives me a moment of clarity each day when I can be grateful for all that I have and all that I am. So yesterday's was my favourite coffee mug which reads "Choose Happy". I love it and it does remind me that you have a choice, be happy, or not be happy. Of course some things make you sad but as a whole you can choose your own happiness and I implore you to do so as often as possible. This doesn't always come wrapped up in an easy decision, some choices are hard and life changing but also sometimes necessary. And if that choice, however difficult, brings you happiness then it is worth every ounce of heartache it takes along the way. So in the end, take the plunge, make the choice and Choose Happy! x