just got off the phone with my mom. today is thanksgiving, a holiday of family obligations. somehow i escaped. usually, on this throw-away holiday, everyone must be there, eating turkey, talking about how good the turkey is, and then going back for seconds. weeee! the vapid conversation is based on the rule that nothing personal is permitted to come out of your mouth. no politics, and except for prayer, no religion. you can't say "fuck" if you are a person who uses that word a lot and you can't say "hail satan" after grandpa finishes the prayer. nothing can be said which would make anybody uncomfortable. so...you pretend you like turkey a great deal. "wow, are you sure this is white meat, because this bird is juicy!" then 20 minutes later people either fall asleep or leave. Why? because they ran out things to talk about.
I've decided that I'm going to be sad. I'm going to embrace the feeling, welcome it with my arms wide open. I'm tired of the pretense, it's exhausting. It's hard to put up a smile for no reason. It's foolish to even try to convince yourself that the sadness doesn't exist. Because it does. It runs deep within you. And the only way you'll ever get rid of it is if you acknowledge it first. So I'm not going to crack jokes when all I really want to do is scream out loud until I can't make a sound. I'm not going to smile at strangers when all I really want to do is run away from them all and disappear into oblivion. I'm not going to pretend to be happy because I've decided that I'm going to be sad.
Running into you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Well, you can't really say that I "ran into you". But you get the idea, right? Meeting you, being a part of your life and everything that's happened to me since you came into my life - it's a bit surreal. It's not what I'd asked for. And I don't think I ever imagined falling in love with someone like you. I always imagined it differently. It was always some other kind of girl, some other kind of place. But the suffering - it's exactly what I imagined it would be like. I knew you even before I met you - I knew how you would make me suffer. And isn't that how everyone knows who they'll fall for? Aren't we all looking for someone who'll make us suffer the way we crave to suffer rather than someone who'll make us happy in ways we never imagined?
poster child, pose for your picture, comb your hair this way, stretch your arm that way, eat your daily nothing and cry invisible tears because poster children cant be sad, poster children are the face of the future and the future must be bright but the poster child cannot live i the present, they cant breathe anyway