When i was a child, i was always told that life is beautiful and amazing. As i grew up and went to school i realized that life is full of ups and downs, and now that i am in college i realized the reality of what life actually is. Walking towards the class everyday makes me feel atrocious. Its the last place on earth where i want to be. With people smiling and waving at each other but in mind actually cursing each other. Friends are just people whom you can share your problems with and be sure that by the next day, the entire class would be aware of the problem.. A place where looks are given more importance than people. If this is life then it really sucks..
I don't need you to fix me, and I know that you don't want me to try to fix you. You get scared when I forgive you for things that you can't forget. And I do the same when you say things that remind me how much more you understand than most people. We could talk all day about how we're just too gnarly on the inside for the world. We understand each other because we both feel the same nagging sensation that we don't deserve the love we receive. We love each other anyway. We comfort each other because we both feel too complicated to be understood. So we're spontaneous and complicated together. We talk about it rather than pretending it's not there. I don't think I could ask for more. We're just holding hands while we fix ourselves.
Being with you feels right. When you're helping me cook dinner. When you come up with soundtracks for the time we spend together. When we sit on back patios with your family and our friends, sipping IPAs late at night. And even though you've told me that you don't want me to expect anything from you because you don't feel like you have enough to give, you give everything you have without even thinking about it. I'm okay with being alone, I can be okay by myself, I promise. But that doesn't mean that waking up next to you doesn't feel better than waking up alone. I drove home this morning and I'm already counting the days to next weekend. And even though my life goes on even when we're not together, I still look forward to the days we do spend together.
The universe is expanding and collapsing inside me, on repeat every second of the day. Every breath that I take. I hang on your words like a bee stuck in it's own honey. Drowning in the pools of sweetness we've constructed. I've never felt so safe outside of my own head, sharing my own bed, knowing the kind things that you've said. My heart beats for you, and you can't see it, but in the quietest moments, on mornings when we're being lulled back into reality you've whispered that you can hear it. And I'm glad to know the serenity of falling asleep listening to your heart beat.
I am not sure how to proceed, but it is the time for me to stir things around. I should be able to find it. I am the son of the shark of capitalism. Some spend lives figuring out how to make money in huge amounts, but I think I am many parsecs ahead of them being born to a family with such a great affluence. I think it is the time to put it to better use. I do not know what is ahead of me, but I also feel that it is just so limiting of me to be satisfied with the perspective of working in my family's business in the future. I want independence. Before I devise on how to properly grant it to myself, I should also analyze how this thought was put in my mind. I am not overtaken by conspiracy theories about social engineering and programming, but I will be better of making sure I am not using someone else's ideals or thoughts choosing what path to take. How do you know that your dreams are yours?