I'm sitting in my chair in front of my work computer. The vast office has a pretentious playful look, in a ridiculous attempt to incorporate a pre-school aura, but it's still just an office. Everyone here pretends to work. I write fragments of my thoughts in a "new e-mail" tab with a serious expression stamped to my face, making people assume I'm a responsible, busy person. This building's wall are filled with a somehow fake memory of my hometown, the excludent memory of the white-rich dominance. This is not what I thought I was assigned for. My place is with the people, where my attempts to hear them won't be stopped by the brakes of burocracy. I am a diplomatic person by nature and that unfortunately means, sometimes, a person who swallow their own interests to the detriment of others' wishes. But what I really yearn for is to break free. To travel. To get in touch. To become a begger for a couple of weeks and use the food money to buy incense and drugs or alcohol to share with my recently made friends. To love a different man each night, or maybe more than one at the same time. To swear in my mother language. To play a song in a borrowed guitar for money. To jump on trains. To write letters full of fake longing. To, maybe, die from this extreme lifestyle but somehow, knowing I did my best.
wow, what a great topic. i regret lots of things right away, but after thinking about them for a bit, not many of them do i regret after. i find that most of what i "regret" has gotten me to where i am today so i guess i can't really regret them afterall because i would not be who i am or where i am. this is the case with lots of things, like working at mitchell, or my drinking past. yes, there are some specific things i do still regret, but i don't know how integral they are to my story and my growth and who i am today so it is difficult to know. i guess i associate regret with "wish to change" and i don't know that i would wish to change anything. i mean, yes, there is lots i wish i had changed, but i actually do like who i am and where i am today, and because of what i believe as far as everything is related and everything puts us on a certain path, it is hard to say i really actually wish something was different, because i don't know where i'd be or who i am today. not to say i couldn't be better but i like who i am and where i am based on what i know now. i'd rather take what i have and like than roll the dice on being better and by chance, it may end up worse. i don't know what else to say, i would like this to be a great topic, it is a great topic. i will work on it. i hurt still inside with some of my past choices, and i know i need to keep working on this so that i can embrace all of me and not wish to "shut the door" on the past.
I think we both whisper that we love each other almost silently between each breath as we talk sweetly late into the night. And even when you don't say it out loud in those words, you say things that prove that you understand. When I'm feeling crazy, you know what to say, and you remind me of the things that I've told you when I didn't even realize you were listening to remember. You show me that I'm not crazy and that I'm just too hard on myself. And apparently I do the same for you. And we talk about the people that have hurt us. And we talk about why it hurt so much. And you say perfect things like, "thank you for telling me so I can know how and why you're hurting." It's things like that that make me know that those words must almost slip out between your teeth as often as I find myself holding them back behind mine. I love you, even if we're too shy to say it out loud.
You said some of the saddest shit today. You told me that you know that some day my life will grow past you, and that you’ll understand if I lose you along the way. And that one day we’ll all be home visiting our families and that you’ll understand when I tell you about how amazing my life is, and you’ll understand when someone less complicated than you falls in love with me if I follow my dreams with him instead. You said all of this like it’s known somehow. And it broke me a little bit, because I would love to do all these wonderful things you believe I’m capable of, but for a while now I’ve been thinking that it might be sort of perfect if you came along and we could follow some of your dreams, because I believe in you too. I realized this morning that I really don’t think you know how much I love you.
I don't even know where to start. It's still morning and I am trying my damndest to get started. The stupid sun keeps moving without procrastination. Without distraction. It was here, now it's there. These silly people flood thru my ambiance. Public speakers... who needs them? Every preacher says "there's my ADHD acting up again." Punk, you don't even know what that means. You think it's a chemical imbalance rattling your brain? Please! Your the pawn of a cosmic spiritual game. Invisible beasts from a parallel dimension are pushing you around. They pushed you here, then they will push you there. I'm looking outside at a blue sky. There's not a cloud in sight. I'm going to sit here all day watching that damn sun. I'm going to study her like a goddam scientist, and uncover her secrets. I'm going to discern what makes her tick. Discover all her tricks. Then I'm really going to get this list of projects done!