Do you know how it feels when the blood in your veins feels foreign and disgusting and pulls you away.. From your dreams and your hope and your honest thoughts and drags you down to the worst of yourself. Mundane and classic I seek beauty and peace for the sun to feel golden and ablaze on my cheek, warming down from my face deep into my heart, make me warm make me hot make me squint and smart. I feel the breeze on my tongue and my desire to taste all the things that it shares are banging against chains and cheering my fears. Feed me courage and wisdom teach me beauty and grace. Swallow the tears that weep from my eyes and track salt down my face..preserve love in my heart keep my feelings fresh. Keep a smile in your heart, let me dance hear me sing watch me cry. Hate my guts feel my screams hold me close when I lie. Push me further and further into the unknown.. Let me moan make me groan make me stutter and start.. Bring me presents and smells make our love look the part. Break the mood seal the deal cradle thoughts that you think, are too wrong to speak are too crazy to share, tell me your secrets while we hide under blankets and kiss me when you're wrong. Throw tantrums and scream at the sky when everyone else is asleep. Live your life keep a journal and get some sleep. Make memories to share with strangers and kin. Make your life full of pleasures some regret and some sin.
Five months had gone by since I had last heard from him. The last conversation I remember having with him was when he asked about my new love life. I guess once he saw that I had finally moved on to find something beautiful, he figured that there was no point in him trying to stay connected in my life. For months I believe he kept me around, dangling me up and down by my feelings for him. I was always his friend to turn to and the one who would give him a pick-me-up on any given night. But when I discovered a new love, he realized that maybe he shouldn't have kept me around. I didn't have the same feelings for him that I once used to. I was happy again, and that was detrimental to him. He wanted me to be happy. He truly did. But he just never expected it to happen too soon. Five months had passed since he stopped loving me, and now six months have passed since I have stopped loving him. He shot me a text the other day, I guess just to see how my new love was going. My six month anniversary is coming up, exactly a year from the day he made me his. Crazy coincidence. A lot can happen in a year.
The fashion director gives the nod and we broach the catwalk. We step out under the lights. Life is a moral fashion show, and God is watching us under the hot, bright lights. And the crowds raise an eyebrow and make notes as we strike virtuous poses and swing around in virtuous motions. Things happen. We stumble. Curtain rods fall on our heads. But we keep walking. Step here, step there. Trying not to mimic what the other models are doing. Trying to do it how we want to do it. But we all have 2 legs and a desire for dark chocolate. We all vomit and starve ourselves before the show. We nod to one another, conscientious of what we are supposed to be conscientious of. We're well informed, misinformed, then re-informed of everything we were misinformed of. We don't know what's true. We puke. We change suits and walk back out, with practiced strides, immune to the lights. All we see are Pharisees. Where is the fashion director? Where is the judge of this show?
I feel somebody grab my hand as i stand on the precipice.
-Have hope -they say.
But there is no hope .There never can be when all i ever hear is silence and the empty sound of my own thoughts bashing against the side of my skull.
But it's alright.They're getting quieter now. Soon when my body dissents and my feet walk the line of my weak resistance,my beliefs will crumble.The last remaining pieces of my soul will fall down and crash with me.Then the dull thrumming will return.But l will be alright,for ill no longer hear it.It will be forever persistent in the hearts of those who have once loved me.Then the thrumming will turn into screams of agony as my soul burns at the sentence of satan.The screams will haunt them forever as punishment for being weak enough.For giving their heart to someone who will never return.
She wanted to be left alone.
If not forever then at least for a while.
She was trying to bring back her happy self back after everything that had happened to her.
She felt like she was no more,like her existence had become a burden not just to others but to herself.
She remembered the family that rejected her and the friends that left mysteriously after her downfall.
"I want to be alone."
Thinking that someday she would have friends was like chasing dreams she would never catch.
She felt so weak,but she always got back on her two feet.
She felt like no one could understand her,like no one ever will.
Although her eyes were teary she stood up and boldly walked away